Jimmy Hunter's Suit - pipTalk Forums

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Adonis Cross
Junior Member

since 2003-04-07

Posts 46
Miami, FL, USA

0 posted 2007-03-20 08:47 PM

The suit that Jimmy Hunter wore
was flawless in design;
the ladies who admired him swore
he never looked so fine,
and those who paid no mind before
were suddenly in line.

I saw a woman kiss his cheek
and stroke his blue lapel—
she felt her knees becoming weak,
and just before she fell
she whispered, "later on we'll speak—
right now, I'm not so well."

Another woman clung to him,
her face a sickly hue.
"I should've married you—Oh, Jim,
I should've married you!"
she murmured in his jacket limb,
before she fainted, too.

Though Jimmy always had a blessed
attractability,
his suit propelled his very best
to such a great degree,
it made me even more depressed
to read his eulogy.

Drauntz
Member Elite

since 2007-03-16

Posts 2905
Los Angeles California

1 posted 2007-03-20 09:02 PM

enjoyed but I silented my laugh, truly.

Adonis Cross
Junior Member

since 2003-04-07

Posts 46
Miami, FL, USA

2 posted 2007-03-20 09:12 PM

Thanks - that's the usual response to this one.

Angel4aKing
Senior Member

since 2006-09-27

Posts 1372
USA

3 posted 2007-03-20 09:32 PM

that is cute!!!!

~~~kingsangel~~~

Drauntz
Member Elite

since 2007-03-16

Posts 2905
Los Angeles California

4 posted 2007-03-20 09:45 PM

can't laugh when you are depressed or at a eulogy. can I?
a play of a hollywood theme?
I likeed it.

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant

since 2004-10-12

Posts 6688
Waukegan

5 posted 2007-03-20 09:54 PM

.

This is very good
even though I have no idea
who Jimmy Hunter is.

One sugestion though:
the line:

"were suddenly in line."

should read:

"were suddenly in the line."

so not to break the cadence
of the poem.

Do that and I'll be asking you to
include it in my Word file collection
of poems by others.

John

.

Adonis Cross
Junior Member

since 2003-04-07

Posts 46
Miami, FL, USA

6 posted 2007-03-20 10:21 PM

Your suggestion itself broke the meter. Every line alternates between perfect iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter.

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant

since 2004-10-12

Posts 6688
Waukegan

7 posted 2007-03-20 10:47 PM

AC

Your response reads like the
warning I had when young about using words
ending in "ing". And it caused a lot of bad
verse as a consequence. . . Read it through
before you judge me wrong,

John

PS Few, if anyone, knows or cares
what your reponse is going on about . . .

Adonis Cross
Junior Member

since 2003-04-07

Posts 46
Miami, FL, USA

8 posted 2007-03-20 10:50 PM

I've read it many times and it scans perfectly. Ask the experts at eratosphere.com, who have already seen it. Count the syllables. I can be young and know what the heck I'm talking about. I'm an AP English major. And the fact that you've pointed out that few know about scansion solidifies what I'm saying.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

9 posted 2007-03-21 06:54 AM

I think it reads fine either way myself

much enjoyed

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

10 posted 2007-03-21 07:14 AM

Nice tongue-in-cheekiness!

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