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hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

0 posted 2006-10-20 12:05 PM

remember all those time you drove us here and there?
to soccer the mall just about everywhere,

and faking sick on those monday mornings,
healthy the night before i gave no warnings,

i was feeling fine it was clear to see,
but i wanted a day just mommy and me,

it seems like things changed overnight,
now almost grown you see me in a new light,

one day i'll make you proud i will,
though it will take some time to get over this hill,

one day when i'm ready, i'll come back home,
back to the life and hell i've known,
and all thats left in time to reminise

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

Becky Mangrum
Member

since 2006-10-18

Posts 56

1 posted 2006-10-20 07:39 AM

That touched me i can relate to it very well.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

2 posted 2006-10-21 11:32 PM

thanks Becky

hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

3 posted 2006-10-23 02:06 AM

If you Don't mind I will show you some tricks.
(meter 11?three breaks?)

//Remember those times: you drove us here and there,
To soccer practice, the mall- everywhere,
(two breaks)
How I faked sick on those Monday mornings,
Or that I had been healthy the night before?

I felt fine, it was clear to see past my act,
that I wanted a day just mommy and me, (But means a change in decision)

Everything in my life changed overnight,
Almost grown up you see me in a new light,
(Three breaks)
One day, I'll make you proud, I promise will,
though to make it over this hill will take time,(I think it sounds better, though I killed the rhyme)

One day, when I'm ready, I will return home:
Back to the life and hell I have learned to know.
All I have left for time is to reminisce//

I generally like this poem. I wanted to help with the flow, but that isn't my strong area either.

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

[This message has been edited by Juju (10-23-2006 11:21 AM).]

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-10-23 12:50 PM

thaks and yea it does sound better (even without the rhyme!)

thanks for your reply...
hunnie*