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Dysfunctional
| Corner Pub #3 |
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Dysfunctional |
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xCharliexChucklezx New Member
since 2008-12-14
Posts 5New Zealand. |
Hey now listen to me, No body else will, I see you looking this way, I miss the real you. You don't seem to even notice, You pull my strings and make me turn away. You're always argueing about the same thing, I'm sick of this poisen invading me. Because this is, My notice to you, And what you don't see, Is what I'm going through, I call you all, Dysfunctional, Because thats all I'm led to believe. You come home drunk and out of your mind, Some kind of father figure you lead, Support is what I'm lacking, Support is what I really need. Because this is, My notice to you, And what you don't see, Is what I'm going through, I call you all, Dysfunctional, Because thats all, I'm lead to believe. Why do you do this to me? I'm falling out of faith, And I don't like the real you anymore, I wish that you could see, How this all effects me, But you don't ever have enough time to see. (It's actually a song i wrote when i was 16. Family was having a hard time so i wrote what i saw) |
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| © Copyright 2008 Charlotte Death - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Hi Charlie, and welcome! Your poem evokes the pain. As your profile indicates that you encourage critiques, I will drop my two cents. Personally, I am not too fond of blank verse and I like to work with more structured forms; Whether you choose to do so or not is entirely up to you, of course. That said, I see your poem well into a French form that uses repetition of lines, e.g. a rondeau or triolet: This is my raw notice to you, The one I call dysfunctional. Support I lack, support from you This is my raw notice to you. But won’t you see all I go through? As father figure, you’re dismal! This is my raw notice to you, The one I call dysfunctional. Here, I've basically tried to incorporate your lines/idea in a triolet. I haven't worked it much, and it's for you to judge whether this would work for you. The feelings you have expressed in your poem belong to you, I can't advise on what to say and how to say it. All that said, I've enjoyed reading this poem and I look forward to reading your next one. Have a wonderful day! Mark |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Charlotte, recently I have come to believe that the whole of society is dysfunctional~~~ but I understand your "song" and know the destruction alcohol can bring to others. M |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
A good message sent in this poem, and welcome back. Carpe' Diem, |
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Hope Fleeting Member
since 2009-02-23
Posts 52Smalltown, Somewhere |
I wish that you could see, How this all effects me, But you don't ever have enough time to see. Sometimes I can't help but stare in awe at how self absorbed people can be. These last few lines say a world of things towards a billion different people.. and still most of them will go years without ever coming close to seeing what they're doing. Thank you for posting and sharing this. And..  welcome to the Corner Pub! ~ Previously Known as Broken_Winged_Angel and BrokenWinged_Angel~ |
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