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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2007-06-23 03:19 PM

i cant breath in this confusion,
i can barely breath at all.
im waiting for the words to come,
im waiting for the fall.
and its a long way down,
from the looks of it to me.
are you happy with yourself,
that you broke my belief?

im waiting for you to tell me,
that im not worth your grace,
tell me that im worthless,
because ill throw it in your face.
i will tell you now
that i will tear you down.
you are my disgrace.

im drowning in your stare,
as you gaze upon me.
your halo is broken
as you spread your dark wings.
the story grows crimson
as the pencil grows dull.
im still waiting,
waiting for the fall.

[This message has been edited by Clockwork_Orange (06-24-2007 01:56 AM).]

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

1 posted 2007-06-23 09:53 PM

where do you go, in your mind?
when you write the stuff of ledgends?
you astound me with every word,
and you make me cry with evey hurt

thy wounds turn friend as they come
out as wonders meant to kill and give life

-Red

and if i had to choose between the whole world and you- there would be no competition

-Amanda Ann (my best friend)

Alaina
Member

since 2007-06-16

Posts 106

2 posted 2007-06-23 11:05 PM

wow i love every single poem i write. you're seriously my favorite. again, (and i wish i could find something else to say) great job

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine.
-Eddie Vedder

pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

3 posted 2007-06-25 06:31 PM

wow. I totally loved this. if I could turn it into a song would you let me sing it? I think it would turn out really cool. You did a great job! Can't wait to see more.

Pen

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

4 posted 2007-06-26 11:20 AM

i actually have it on my myspace as a song.

surf_painter
Member

since 2007-04-10

Posts 434
Canada

5 posted 2007-06-26 07:22 PM

wow i loved it especially the last line i am still waiting for that fall it just read so nicely and it had such conviction in it it was definitely one of my favourite poems by you

Gifted
Member

since 2007-06-26

Posts 140
Caribbean

6 posted 2007-06-26 07:46 PM

You need to check your punctuation and capitalization.... very important in poetry. Some of the lines were odd for me, but the end really surprised me. I really liked the last stanza it was powerful. I don't think the poem would be as good as it were if it were not for the last stanza. Excellent closing. Bravo!!

BrittanyJ
Member

since 2007-06-03

Posts 461
Come find me?

7 posted 2007-07-01 05:28 PM

I really liked it

It showed a lot of emotion, and that's what it's supposed to do

Nice write here!

There is only so much blood i can bleed for you, and continue to live.

Jezzika
Member

since 2005-01-05

Posts 154
work

8 posted 2007-07-02 12:41 PM

"im waiting for you to tell me,
that im not worth your grace,
tell me that im worthless,
because ill throw it in your face."
This part was my favorite in the poem...

I thought that the whole thing was great!!

One trillion dollars could buy a heart a soul ~ Anti-Flag

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

9 posted 2007-07-02 05:48 AM

are you happy with yourself,
that you broke my belief?
*that line kinda made me stumbled it was a bit off, but I still like the stanza it flew together well.
im drowning in your stare,
as you gaze upon me.
your halo is broken
as you spread your dark wings.
the story grows crimson
as the pencil grows dull.
im still waiting,
waiting for the fall.

* I really love this stanza , all of it , even though the last couple of lines are really amazing. It is really well written and is by far the best part in this poem.

I like
your story grows crimson
as the pencil grows dull

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

10 posted 2007-07-05 05:26 PM

Another reminder of why you are my favorite poet. loved this a lot.
hunnie.

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

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