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Teen Poetry #8
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The Moon
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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The Moon |
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gozaggss Junior Member
since 2006-04-26
Posts 33 |
The moon shines dull in the sky As clockwork, often I glance up as I sigh Resting my hands on my unfinished essay Brain can’t find a good word to say Moonlight creeps invisibly in my room Unseen, unheeded, uncared for it’s boon Forgotten and lost it reaches to many To be turned away like man without penny Lonely and sad it wanders the streets Finding no solace from all whom it meets Poor and beaten he flees from the town No one cares. Not so much as a frown The light vanishes into thin air And finally do people begin to care We don’t seem to notice something until it’s gone Like the gnome that you forgot laying on the lawn Company is missed when there’s none to be found But that’s the very same reason they’ve been driven to ground When there’s no solace around to be had Everything, for everyone.. we all soon feel bad If you don’t reach out to others when they need you most Then your life is over. Terminated, forfeit, toast. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
The moon shines dull in the sky As clockwork, often I glance up as I sigh (I do not think you need clockwork but you could say Clockwork makes me glance up with a sigh Resting my hands on my unfinished essay (the) OR {MY} Brain can’t find a good *Try to find a different adjective to say, what makes it good. word to say Moonlight creeps invisible in my room Unseen, unheeded, uncared for it’s boon *what boon? Forgotten and lost it reaches too many *why is it too many? meaning? To be turned away like a man without penny Lonely and sad it wanders the streets (How is moonlight turned away? Why is it lonely? it can feel? Finding no solace from all whom it meets Poor and beaten he flees from the town (Now it he, who does it meet? First you say it now he. Stay consistant? No one cares. Not so much as a frown The light vanishes into thin air And finally people begin care (try,, people do care, it sounds less drawn out. How does it vanish? We don’t seem to notice something until it’s gone Like the gnome that you forgot laying on the lawn *could it be lying? I always get that confused Company is missed when there’s none to be found But that’s the very same reason they’ve been driven to ground When there’s no solace around to be had Everything, for everyone.. we all feel bad If you don’t reach out to others when they need you most Then your life is over. Terminated, forfeit, and toast. I know I often crittique and say to even out syllable count, but while the syllable count is even, the rythmn is a bit off, it sound forced the first bit. But the very last bit\stanza was really good, I think you should center on that and try to have the rest of the poem around that, base it on. *my favorite lines Company is missed when there’s none to be found But that’s the very same reason they’ve been driven to ground When there’s no solace around to be had Everything, for everyone.. we all feel bad Then your life is over. Terminated, forfeit, and toast. Especially the last line, I REALLY LIKE IT. |
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unholyjudgement Member
since 2007-02-27
Posts 116Wherever my soul takes me next |
I must take this time to say that i love your work.  My mind is like lightning |
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gozaggss Junior Member
since 2006-04-26
Posts 33 |
haha thx Unholy. i used to post on this forum last year, but idk where it all is. i'll post everything i think worthwhile. i have a few award winning published poems as well. they'll be a part of a "poetry by young authors" book coming out in the summer. i'll post more details if you're all interested. i have nearly 150 poems on my computer, so it might take a while to upload them all |
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