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Teen Poetry #8
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Melting Candles, Dry Wax Tears
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Melting Candles, Dry Wax Tears |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN 
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Something doesnt feel right I can taste it in the air These numbers dont add up And no one seems to care The pistol on the nightstand Is right within my reach his crimson war takes lives And im just a casualty Ive fallen victom to this conflict And I wish i never was Im finished with this bloodshed Its over with and done The candle is growing low The flame flickers as it dies And i feel like a failer Because that candle was my life |
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| © Copyright 2007 Bryan Lucas - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Belinda Member
since 2006-01-30
Posts 126UK |
Interesting.. "The candle is growing low The flame flickers as it dies And i feel like a failer Because that candle was my life" This was my favourite stanza. I liked the way you used a candle to decrible the ending of the life. Well done  Belinda_* Expect nothing, Prepare for anything. |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
This was great, well done.. lots of emotion.. Nice write.. can't wait to hear more ♥Jessica♥ |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Wow I like the perspective of this poem very cool... hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Something doesn't feel right I can taste it in the air These numbers dont add up And no one seems to care (great stanza splendid opening The pistol on the nightstand Is right within my reach his crimson war takes lives And im just a casualty *why do you have a pistol on the nightstand? and presumably it is within your reach but. Whose crimson war? what crimson war, describe more. how are you wounded Ive fallen victim to this conflict And I wish i never was Im finished with this bloodshed Its over with and done (what bloodshed? why is ther bloodshed The candle is growing low The flame flickers as it dies And i feel like a failure Because that candle was my life Good last stanza but try to connect the candle with ur life a little better, it was to haphazard. iT seemed to just go back and forth |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
i HATE explaining myself completly in poetry, why read it if you dont have that feeling of wanting more? |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
you probly wont go back and see this, but you've so intrigued me i had to go back and see the rest of your work. wow, i love your stuff. i wrote about a candle once- i like yours better. maybe i'll share. any ways you amaze me. i think i'm in love with your poetry. hahaha -Red I stuck my bare hand into your rip cage and fished around until I found your heart ripped it out tore it apart while saying You dont need this anymore |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Because if the reader is left with, 'what was he talking about instead of wow it makes me think, i want to know more of how this writer ticks. Show me more." Then theres a problem, i still like the first stanza a great deal, failer is spelled failure. And I still think you should put my crimson war instead of this crimson war , looking back. But the ending is very good. Fablous way to end it |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
Oh my God, Clockwork, this is... amazing. A masterpiece, if you will. I'm completely blown away, very good, I LOVE IT! I've stopped fighting my inner demons... we're on the same side now. |
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