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Teen Poetry #8
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Edited - Mum
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Edited - Mum |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Ever done something you regret? Ever said something that you never meant? Ever wanted to turn back time? Ever needed to look your fears straight in the eye? But you found that it is too late now It's all been said and done That one thing you should never have thought about Let alone done That thing you'd do anything in the world to take back The things I said to you mum Yes, the biggest thing I regret We were playing a game Betting our hearts against the love Every dice you rolled Every inconspicuous move you made Those moves hit me in the face They got under my skin until I was crawling with anger deep within They made me feel like I was living with so much sin That I was worth absolutely nothing Or that I wasn't good enough for anything That I was disappointing you I just needed to win Every time I rolled the dice I was doing a mirror image of what you had just done to me Except this time I was doing them to you I was making you feel the exact same way I just felt We were not able to realize See the truth before our eyes We both already lost We let those things get in the way of our love These tears are the cost For all those years that we lost Those times I pushed you away When really I just wanted you to stay All them things I called you All those discriminating names And I'm back where I started Back at the things I have said and done Not till now have I realized that waking up in the morning without you Could be the hardest thing to do The hardest thing to go through The tears I shed won't speak the words running through my head I'm sorry mum I never meant a word of it It won't help me to tell you that I'm sorry That wouldn't mean anything not after what I done Not after all those nasty words I said There was no meaning of what I done No - not one It was the dumbest thing I could have ever done The things and people you compared me against Those remarks you said slashed my heart Tore it in bits I look back at most of those things And I see how immature and petty they were But it doesn't seem to change me The next thing you say still haunts and frustrates me The things I do the things that hurt me Are the same things I am doing to you The same things are hurting you too We forgot - though we knew deep inside That we loved each other And that we wanted to stop those fights I don't want you to change I don't want you to fit in to my expectations I love you for who you are My mother My own flesh and blood The game's finished We collected the get out of jail free card We both landed on the broken heart We both shed the tears And still fear the fears But no matter what happens from now on I love you - I love you mum! |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Thanks to rhia_5779 for helping me out on this. I hope it has improved and has a better flow. Oh and btw rhia_5779 I had written a poem similar to this to my mum but I rewrote this poem for a friend of mine who was having some trouble with her mum. I know it kinda seems like a pointless poem, but saying I love you to your mum isn't as pointless as it may seem  And the whole poem is based on admitting what she had done, and realizing why, and just saying I love you anyway. Hope ya like the changes, and thank you very much for your input  |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
You really did make alot of stuff changed do to what i suggested. Kudos most people say well i don't think so or I don't like changing.. It reads alot better I will read through again like I edited before when it isn't semi late and I have slept well sinc saturday |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Thank you, I hope you get some sleep~something I'm laking at the moment too. *yawn* It looks like no one else is going to comment, wow this place has changed! Thank you again - Thena - x0x0 |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
This is a lot better. I think it flow a lot better, and it still has the same meaning so it is really good... hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
That I was worth absolutely nothing Or that I wasn't good enough for anything That I was disappointing you I just needed to win Rework this, the first two sentences say the same thing in differnt words. Be more creative. Go out of the box |
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