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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Hello again everyone, yes it's me from way back, when? lol My mate was having some 'family' problems so I rewrote a poem I wrote for my mum a while back and came out with this. MUM Ever done something you regret? Ever said something that you never meant? Ever wanted to turn back time? But you finally find that its too late now i'ts all been said and done The one thing I knew should never have been thought about let alone done The thing that right now I would do anything in the world to take back The things I said and did to you mum, the biggest things I regret We were playing a game Our hearts against the love Every dice you rolled Every sneaky move you made Hit me in the face It got under my skin and made me hurt and feel so mad Made me feel like I was living in so much sin That I was worth absolutely nothing That I wasn't good enough That I was disappointing you I just wanted and needed to win Every time I rolled the dice I was doing the same to you We didn't realize - we didn't notice We were blind - couldn't see what was in front of our eyes We both already lost We both let those stupid things get in the way of our love All those years were lost All them tears were the cost The times I pushed you away When really I just wanted you to stay All them things I called you All those horrible names And im back where I started Back at the stupid things I have said and done Not till now have I realized that not waking up to you in the morning could be the hardest thing to do The hardest thing to go through The tears I shed won't speak the words running through my head I'm sorry mum I never meant a word of it It won't help me to tell you that im sorry Not that that would mean a thing after what I did Not after all the nasty words I said There was no meaning of what I done -no, not one And it was the dumbest thing I could have ever done All the things and people you compared me against All those remarks that you said Slashed my heart Torn it into bits I look back at most of these things And see how stupid, small and petty they are But it doesn't seem to change me The next thing you say still haunts and frustrates me The things I do the things that hurt me Are the same things I am doing to you The same things are hurting you too We forgot - though we knew deep inside That we loved each other We showed our love through our fights I don't want you to change I don't want you to fit in to my expectations I love you for who you are My mother My own flesh and blood The game's finished We collected the get out of jail free card We both landed on the broken heart We both shed the tears And still fear the fears But no matter what happens from now on I love you - I love you mum! p.s I am sure this needs SO much retouching and changes its not funny, but here you go....have any ideas? It's just a rough copy so yeah. Laters x0x0 |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
[ ]= add MUM Ever done something you regret? Ever said something that you never meant? Ever wanted to turn back time? (add another line here maybe that rymes with time? But you finally find that its too late now i'ts all been said and done The one thing I knew should never have been thought about let alone done **Try shortening both sentences and make them more concise* The thing that right now I would do anything in the world to take back The things I said and did to you mum, the biggest things I regret (back and regret don't really rhyme just so you know and i would even out the syllable count here too) We were playing a game Our hearts against the love (what do you mean hearts against the love, you mean betting the hearts against the love? Every dice you rolled Every sneaky move you made (sneaky is not very descsriptive, try a different word that shows more( [It] Hit me in the face It got under my skin and made me hurt and feel so mad *can you shorten that sentence? And what and how did it hit you in the face_ Made me feel like I was living in [with] much sin That I was worth absolutely nothing That I wasn't good enough That I was disappointing you I just wanted and needed to win *how about I just needed to win Every time I rolled the dice I was doing the same to you *doing what? show describe. We didn't realize - we didn't notice We were blind - couldn't see what was in front of our eyes *notice and eyes also don't rhyme just giving you heads up) blind does norm mean that you cant see. so I dont think you needed that bit. you could do We were not able to realize see the truth before our eyes We both already lost We both let those stupid things get in the way of our love you do not need both in the Second sentence , WE includes another and the reader assumes you (both) by the we.. All those years were lost All them tears were the cost (rephrase) The times I pushed you away When really I just wanted you to stay *excellent setup and good point to be made All them things I called you THe horrible names (them?) why were they horrible?\ And I'm back where I started at the stupid things I have said and done *why were they stupid? Not till now have I realized that not waking up to you in the morning could be the hardest thing to do The hardest thing to go through ***Shorten if you can the first sentence of this stanza set The tears I shed won't speak the words running through my head I'm sorry mum I never meant a word of it It won't help me to tell you that im sorry Not that that would mean a thing after what I did Not after all the nasty words I said There was no meaning of what I have done *make next line* -no, not one And it was the dumbest thing I could have ever done All the things and(DELETE AND AND THINGS) people you compared me against the remarks you said Slashed my heart Tore it in bits I look back at most of these things And see how stupid, and petty they are *small means almost the same as petty in this case , pick a different word than stupid though stupid is used very often But it doesn't seem to change me The next thing you say still haunts and frustrates me The things I do the things that hurt me Are the same things I am doing to you The same things are hurting you too We forgot - though we knew deep inside That we loved each other We showed our love through our fights *how I don't want you to change I don't want you to fit in to my expectations I love you for who you are My mother My own flesh and blood The game's finished We collected the get out of jail free card We both landed on the broken heart We both shed the tears And still fear the fears But no matter what happens from now on I love you - I love you mum! If it won't change what did you mean to say by this poem not meaning to be mean but did you just want to state that you love your mom or what? this has I think alot of potential |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
I agree with Rhia. A lot of potential in this poem. And I could look at everyline and know exactly how it is, been through all of it too. kinda sux don't it. anyway keep writing hope to read more soon... hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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