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Teen Poetry #8
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i wish it didnt end this way.
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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i wish it didnt end this way. |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN 
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somewhere on a dusty shelf, my life withers away; and im lost in my own tempest made of chaos and dismay. its seeping through. im falling fast. just pronounce me dead, because my breath wont last. screaming scarlet cies aloud, was i even worth the pain? pristine silver tears will fall, amid all the rain. and although its been so long, i still hate you till this day. was it funny how i tryed so hard, just for you to walk away? and even if i die tonight, i still think your fake. but no matter how much i hate you... i wish it didnt end this way. [This message has been edited by Clockwork_Orange (03-28-2007 06:17 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Bryan Lucas - All Rights Reserved | |||
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shannonbaker Junior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 12 |
I loved the line "screaming scarlet cies." Good poem. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Fix spelling, capitlize and do punctuation.. Tip #1.. Do that then I'll check back and crittique more |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
ill tell you guys what! when i was on here before...on my old account, everyone was nicer. but i wanted to see if anyone really actually liked my poems or not. i guess not then hu? and why does everyone have to be so stuck up, isnt this site about poetry? just please read them and give helpful hints, you know? i dont like grammar or punctuation, so either take them as they are or |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
I agree with Orange 100%. Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
You guys agree on a lot of stuff, if you have a problem with us trying to help you out, then honestly don't ask for help when you post your poem, just say 'tell me if you liked it or not.' And if you seriously did come on as another name just to see if ppl liked you or not, then you must want to know. Of course we like you, we are just trying to help with the few mistakes you make. I remember seeing something like 'I guess no one is going to say anything about my poems' that you had put, so I discided I would. And all I get is critisisum (sp?) - I come in peace....Spirit x0x0 |
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Edward Grim Senior Member
since 2005-12-18
Posts 1154Greenville, South Carolina |
heh, I agree with the dude on two things and all of the sudden I "agree on a lot of stuff", that's interesting logic. I agree with him on the grounds that a critiquer can't just tell a poet to fix the trivial things like spelling and commas and not comment on the actual content of the piece. Believe it or not, some of the greatest writers in history couldn't spell to save their life and didn't even think about punctuation. I don't like incorrect spelling or lack of punctuation either, but when I comment on a piece I add my two cents on the content then the mechanics of it. I'm not downing how you critique poems; I'm just suggesting that if you want to critique, go the whole nine yards. Comment on everything, not just the obvious things like punctuation and spelling. And besides I think your critique for the last Orange poem was pretty thorough. You commented on the grammar and the content; that was good. I just didn't agree with your punctuation suggestions. That's all. "And if you seriously did come on as another name just to see if ppl liked you or not" heh, I've been here over a year Spirit. I'm not Clockwork Orange (I like Stanley Kubrick; but I'm more of a German cinema kind of guy, lol). I too come in peace... Head Cheese & Chicken Feet |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
Okay where should i start, My best option would be to say nothing and please everyone but then whats the point of being a member of this site, I agree and disagree with all the comments made on this piece, firstly i agree that everyone is entitled to there own opinion and that some people would like to read poems that make sense to them, but to make them suit others the author must change the poem to construct something that he or she doesn't feel. Moving on to grammer.... Grammer is another word in the English dictionary fair enough spelling words differently does make it hard to read, but comma's, capitalization, fullstops etc.. really aren't the end of the world to me as long as the emotion and the heart is still remaining in the poem its a good read. Lastly I really do have to agree with Clockwork Orange in saying, My poems i believe are well liked here, just like Clockwork Orange's may have been in the past and i do admit i have made friends on this site and met some really great poets but my point is, if i was to go away and change my name and continue posting poems, those people who i believe are my friends come back and write grueling comments about my grammer or handy work it would be upsetting, and it begins to make you believe that maybe they lied to you all along just because they were your supposed friends. I have no problem with any person on PIP and i never will, you are all UNIQUE in your own way, its Clockwork Orange's grammer, It's Rhia's knowledge, Edward Grimm's nature, Free Spirit's wishes of happiness and peace and even my Kinky Little Nightmares that make us all UNIQUE... |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Haha okay all is good then mate. And I did say I liked the poem, didn't I? *blush* lol!! - Spirit....Oh and I come in Peace |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Well I don't think grammar is that inportant and spelling isn't either unless you can't even make out what it is about... but i understood everything in this poem. Good write your writing seems familiar too... hmmm well hope to read more soon... hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I;m beatien you are right, sorry I was to hasty to judge. somewhere on a dusty shelf, my life withers away; and im lost in my own tempest made of chaos and dismay. The 2nd and fourth line are off syllable wise and they read off too. its seeping through. im falling fast. just pronounce me dead, because my breath wont last. *tell us why its seeping through and why its falling fast, why are you dying? screaming scarlet cies aloud, was i even worth the pain? pristine silver tears will fall, amid all the rain. (I like pristine silver tears, and screaming scarlet cries, , very nice lines there. and although its been so long, i still hate you till this day. was it funny how i tried so hard, just for you to walk away? (since its about somone now, what did you do to try, was it a girl frend\boyfrend, friend , family member expalain. show us and even if i die tonight, i still think your fake. but no matter how much i hate you... i wish it didnt end this way. I like the second line, but why do you hate them , use more description |
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rebel~angel Member
since 2006-06-20
Posts 71Iowa USA |
Honestly...I haven't been here in a long time, but hey! Sometimes, what other people see as a punctuational error is exactly what the author meant it to be. And grammar! Sometimes people write just to get things out there, you know? Not everybody is worried about having every little detail just perfect. But I can see how spelling could be a problem... Remember:Tuck your chin, you're going to get hurt, so expect it and be ready. You might as well see it coming. |
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