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alda89
New Member

since 2007-02-06

Posts 4

0 posted 2007-02-06 10:16 PM

hi im new here. i have a poem. i hope everyone likes it. its not today.

                 not today
    somehow I find an inner stregnth and move on to live one more time I live every moment knowing one day I wont be here.not today. I put the knife down and learn to breathe without the pain being my amnesia to the outside world.to my world begins to spin I think of everyway to die , then I stop and think of every way to die and then i stop and think not today I will control it. I pray on my knees,lord dont let me do it.please lord not today.not today will I do anything,not today will I die, I will live strong. Today is differently just like everyother day only today I prayed for the first time to lift this burden off my shoulders. I can breathe a little easier, for today I let it go.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

1 posted 2007-02-07 12:24 PM

I think there is something here. Althought he structure really throws you off. try making the lines smaller instead of having it like a paragraph. Also, try posting in the dark poetry, ahhh us people can relate to all this

hope to read more...
hunnie

~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

2 posted 2007-02-07 07:41 AM

i dissagree- this belongs in the spiritual,- The Lord the Great helped you overcome. i liked it. and Welcome.

-Lovely

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

3 posted 2007-02-07 09:35 AM

Maybe structure it better

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

4 posted 2007-02-07 02:17 PM

I LIKE IT!
welcome to passions

mmm..i agree..you might wanna work on the structure and seperate the lines a little better, like:

"i like chocolate
because it is yummy
it tastes really good
and i want more for my tummy"

[uh yeah lame examply i know..lol]
instead of having:

"i like chocolate because it is yummy it tastes really good i want more for my tummy..etc etc etc.."

see what im saying? its easier to read that way, and lets people sort out their thoughts better...so they understand it to the full...i mean, with chocolate..you can't really do that..lol..but with your poem, reading it in lines would be SO much better and easier! And also, more people would REALLY read it and they can relate more and try harder to understand it...

anyway, welcome again to PIP! hope to read more soon!

ps-it could go in spiritual or dark poetry, but you can definetely decide where you want to put it yourself!

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

5 posted 2007-02-08 09:17 AM

Hi,

Welcome to the teen forum of passions! (Wow... I seem to be saying that a lot) It's awesome seeing another new face and new poetry on here

Although, I disagree with all of you!~ (HA) This doesn't haven to belong in dark or spiritual, although it could, I like it in the teen forum cause then I actually get a chance to read it... lolz

I usually don't like words/lines being repeated over and over because it begins to seem so ... meaningless, the lines and words when you repeat them lose some of their importance in a poem to me. Yet, in this poem I LIKED how you repeated "not today" like you did, in repeating the words it seemed to have more of an impact instead of less. Very good job with this poem.

Thanks for sharing, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->---

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

6 posted 2007-02-08 07:24 PM

Alda,
Welcome to Passions! Typically when you check "no" for critiques you aren't supposed to get critiques. But be patient. The good news is your poem obviously evoked emptions. I must admit that I found myself admiring the courage and determination described in this write. Peace.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

alda89
New Member

since 2007-02-06

Posts 4

7 posted 2007-02-09 03:53 PM

thank you everybody for ur comments and im very glad to be here.

nick_lyss
Member

since 2006-08-21

Posts 88

8 posted 2007-02-09 03:57 PM

welcome to passions. i really like this poem there is alot of emotion in it. really good.

alda89
New Member

since 2007-02-06

Posts 4

9 posted 2007-02-10 12:26 PM

3

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