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whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

0 posted 2007-02-02 11:00 PM

Nothing is sighted in the depths of the sea
The darkness inhaled is almost comforting
I love the feel of oceans sweet lullaby
And the breath of the water humming by

I rise to the surface and waves push me below
My hand reaches upward, and oh the water glows
Finally I find that I’m upon the rolling waves
My wet stringy hair blows upon my wet face

The shore- I find I gone far from anywhere
I pick a direction and float, from here to there
The current should carry me to a place I know
I live among the waves and isles of below

I climb unto the forsaken shore- an abandon isle
No one knows where to look in an ocean of miles
I’m cold and wet and awake to the beating rain
I find a place for my shelter from all bane

I find a million cuts and bruises upon salty me
And a leafy cover fallen in the windy breeze
I run atop the hill of the land and find wildness
There was once more I had seen more than this

But it’s gone and I weep
As I stand on bruised feet

Love is never foolish- and if it is, it is a Divine Foolishness.

-Sir Gawain

[This message has been edited by whitelielovely (02-03-2007 02:30 PM).]

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2007-02-03 04:47 AM

( ) = change
[ ] = delete

(Try coming up with other words beside wet to desribe that so it has variety)

I rise to the surface and waves push me below
My hand reaches upward, and (OH) [my] the water glows
Finally I find that I’m upon the rolling waves
My wet stringy hair blows upon my wet face

The shore- I find I gone far from anywhere
I pick a direction and float, from here to there
The current should carry me to a place I know
I live among the waves and isles of -[the] below

(it throws the rythmn that the in there_

I climb unto the forsaken shore- an abandon isle
No one knows where to look in an ocean of miles
I’m cold and wet and awake to the beating rain
I find a place for my shelter from all this pain

(whose pain is it)

I thought this was a remarkable piece. Def one of your bests. MInor changes and thats all to be made. This was very creative and I love the sea having grown up on it so beautiful work

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

2 posted 2007-02-03 02:32 PM

i fixed it and thankyou i haven't written for a while b/c of writer's block. and then i just this was well . . . needed. thanks again.

-Whit

Love is never foolish- and if it is, it is a Divine Foolishness.

-Sir Gawain

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

3 posted 2007-02-04 12:49 PM

mmm ... i really enjoyed this! It's definetely one of your's that i most enjoy

it's good reading from you! I'm glad you are out of your writers block, i quite enjoy reading your poems

i hate when i get in writers block! I feel like i have to start from the very beginning of writing cheesy poems and moving up!lol...

looking forward to more!
[[this is going in my library!]]

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

4 posted 2007-02-04 02:41 PM

thanks thats the greatest compliment i've gotten. i'm glad you like it buttercup.

-Whitty

Love is never foolish- and if it is, it is a Divine Foolishness.

-Sir Gawain

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