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Teen Poetry #8
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The Real World
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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The Real World |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
There’s a thought in my head, of what I've learned My family’s secrets of a wayward and dark past The danger I face is not to my life, it is more destructive Crying at night because of the old man who is coming- the last Yes he is old, but his past and mind are corrupt You come- yet before my sisters and I were nothing to you But I see through you now, you want new warm flesh Mother knows, but father would be destroyed by the hurt he once knew Done before by your hand, I expect Grammy knows too She's just as sick though, and comes as well- not to dote upon me Children of your least favorite child, you don't deceive There's more to this visit, my mother knows best and sees As my father’s father- you sicken me to the core I know can see your true intentions they are appalling deeds Leave us alone- we were just fine without you and your sick mind You can go away and never return- what everyone needs My doors will be locked, but that I won't ever tell you I believe I could take you completely in a horrible fight The knowledge that this has happened shocked me to death What my mother's mother told her has made my life full of fright I was once innocent and completely naive Now you no longer have me fooled and deceived "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7 [This message has been edited by whitelielovely (01-01-2007 10:31 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Whittney Larraine Lovely - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
THis the flow is really off. Try changing all the inverted phrases to make sense grammar wise. That really throws it off. ANd its full of inverted rhymes too. Makes it harder to understand |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
is that any better i changed it around alot. thank you. Whit "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Theres a thought in my head, of what I just learned ,of what I've learned My families secrets of a past that is dark My families secrets of a dark past. The danger I face is not to my life, it is more awful try a better adejective instead of AWFUl Crying at night beacuse of the old man who is coming, it hurts my heart Yes he's old, but his past and mind are corrupt You come- yet before I and my sisters were dirt yet before my sisters and I were dirt Use more descriptive adjectives But I see through you now, you want new warm flesh Mother knows, but father would be destroyed by the hurt Those two lines did not make sense to me. Done before by your hand, I expect Grammy knows too She's just as sick though, and comes as well- not to dote upon me Children of your least favorite child, you don't decive There's more to this vist, my mother knows best and sees My doors will be locked, that I won't tell you I believe I could take you, with a horrible fight The knowledge that this has happened shocked me to death What my mother's mother told her has made my life full of fright I was once innocent and completly niave Now you no longer have me fooled and decived I am really confused.. Try making it less complicated. You use to many different ideas and you don't really explain them. So I don't have any concept of how they relate to each other. |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
okay i think the things i added will help you see. it's just a little hard for me to tell everyone these things right out because of the hurt it beings. so i riddle it untill it makes no sense. thankyou for your insight. -Whittney "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Tell us what happend? WHy are you no longer naive? |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
here or in the poem? it gives you the reason earlier in the poem- "What my mother's mother told her has made my life full of fright" my mother then told me. and my next sister. he (my grandfather on my father's side) is corrupt. my grandmother (on my mother's side, the other grandmother i have is strange too- i'd rather not talk about her) knows things and she told my mother that she felt he had done bad things to his daughters. my aunts. and perhapps my father as well.it scares me. alot. it's just messed up. the real world is harsh. "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7 |
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