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Teen Poetry #8
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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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People People |
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Hope_for_S0me New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 6 |
People people cant you see, your world is crumbling rigHt under thee? Of course you notice your tormenting me, hoping my life is better not even knowing me. You clAw and scraTch aiming to kill congratulations you know you will, but later on your rEalize "I've made a mistake, i must apologize" You get to his home dressed in a suit, and old woman answers and looks at you, you ask i f hes here she says your to late his angels appeared and yours is all most here. You were to late he was all ready gone, and so were you as simple as all... |
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Hope_for_S0me New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 6 |
Learning how to funnel my emotions into poetry still not that good, I hope its not too bad... |
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whitelielovely Member
since 2006-12-11
Posts 146Australia |
whom do you hate dear? the message was clear, it could use a revise, but for the type it is you've done pretty well. (not that i'm the end all be all of poetry or anything) -Lovely |
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Hope_for_S0me New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 6 |
I was hoping and new some one would realize that i capitalized four letters, Hate didnt apply to me in this poem it more so reflected back on hate towards a general person (Me or others) It needs some revising and im still working on it only second draft so it'll get better.. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
You need to punctuate it and capitlize it and all. This needs to also maybe be a bit more direct , describe it a bit more. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi, I noticed you didn't have your critique message on so I wanted to get your okay before I offer any bad suggestions?  Also... Haven't seen you on here before so welcome a little late to the teen forum of passions! This poem was a very good way of channeling your emotions and you can see it within as you read. It speaks of so many emotions, regret, anger, hate, sorrow, torment… as odd as it may sound I felt the poem was beautiful, in a sense. Thanks for sharing! I’m looking forward to reading more of your poems. "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
The only thing i can think of to make this poem better is structure. it would make it easier to read (for me) i really liked the emotion in this poem Welcome to Passions i hope you enjoy it here. This was very good for a first post  hunnie ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
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Hope_for_S0me New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 6 |
Thank you...its based off like i said my and others feelings, i speak to allot of people who have experiences like mine so i wrote it to get some things off my chest..I have allot of them but none were very good... |
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DucksCanFly Junior Member
since 2006-12-20
Posts 20 |
I like it, I thought the message was pretty clear and I think you did a fairly good job of getting your emotions through. Well done |
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