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RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

0 posted 2006-12-02 10:55 PM

Sinner Not A Saint

I’m sick of all this I can’t take anymore
I’m cold, wet and alone lying on the bedroom floor
I’m fed up with life and its delusional lies
My word is no longer good enough I am no longer wise.

What if I never awoke, maybe it would be easier and I’d feel no more pain
But if I linger here on earth I just might drive everyone insane
I’m abused and upset I can’t fight away the shame
And I know that I can’t continue to take your blame

Sit here with me and sing me to sleep
Hold my hand a stay with me while I weep
Help me fade away into the night
So I wont be noticed in the sunlight.

A tormented angel has had enough
She can no longer survive the pain she’s in its all just too tough
So as a white casket is buried in the ground
Think of that girl, who will no longer make a sound
Her long brown hair shines like wet paint
For she was a sinner and defiantly not a saint

[This message has been edited by RevengeIsMine (12-04-2006 04:56 AM).]

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-12-03 06:05 AM

TAke out the differently in last line. This was really good, muchos liked. THe flow was really good.

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

2 posted 2006-12-03 12:31 PM

rhia im sorry but im gonna have to say i disagree bout the ast line i loved it and thought it was awesome.

i also love the way you have used the torented angel so much Revenge. this was awesome and powerfull.

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

3 posted 2006-12-03 01:08 PM

Did you mean definitely instead of differently on the last line?
just wondering

anyways, good poem : )

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

4 posted 2006-12-04 04:53 AM

Ok sozzy guys.. been busy settling in... I ment defernatly.. so sorry guys

whitelielovely
Member

since 2006-12-11

Posts 146
Australia

5 posted 2006-12-11 09:09 PM

i agree with rhia, it sounds better simple. i was very pleased, you were better than i thought you would be and not as "emo" "goth" whatever you would like it to be called.

-Lovely

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

6 posted 2006-12-12 10:48 PM

If you read just the last two lines It sounds better without the word "definately" but if you read the whole last stanza as a whole on the intended pace then It needs that word to make the rhythm just right.. so it all depends on how you read it.. great job on this poem..

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

MixedChica
Junior Member

since 2006-11-10

Posts 34

7 posted 2006-12-12 11:54 PM

I think i like ti either way but i like it better with out the word. Either way. But it is a great poem and there aren't any forced rhymes which is good

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