»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #8
»
Another Storm In A TeaCup
| Teen Poetry #8 |
|
Another Storm In A TeaCup |
|
|
RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia 
|
This can’t go on You don’t understand, but you will before too long You’re slowly tearing our family apart The tears we all cry are breaking our heart Two people in one big fight Won’t give in until they are right You take it all out on us, thinking you should While more words of hurt are flung across the neighbourhood I’m a mess, my brothers afraid Dad can’t take anymore its driving him insane Life wasn’t meant to be easy, and many weren’t made to give up Nor were you meant to hurt the ones you love just to prove a point and create a storm in a teacup. Give up now or lose us all We aren’t here forever and we break after the fall Forget all that’s happened, don’t let us hate you Love us like we love you and we will show you dignity and respect too |
||
| © Copyright 2006 A Typical Aussie Chick - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
Foul language removed - Ron [This message has been edited by Ron (11-29-2006 09:20 AM).] |
||
|
RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
aww Temp thanks heaps. U make me smile.. Love You Always, Jess |
||
|
stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi RevengeIsMine, First off I want to say I love the title! The title is the whole reason I chose to come into this post and, while most people choose by the title, I usually just close my eyes and click! Okay, so that is a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean, at least I hope you do? I hope you won’t be offended if I point out a few things I kind of felt needed a little bit of change…here goes… “the tears we all cry are breaking our heart” I feel like this line needs some change since you are talking in plural form, plus, the “all cry” doesn’t seem right where it is. I know it sounds silly, making such a big deal over one line, but I’m a bit of a perfectionist… so, I guess what I would like to see is instead of “heart” how about “hearts”. Instead of “the tears we all cry” something more like “the tears we cry”, since, when you say “we” I would assume you meant all and so the all is kind useless in this sentence. These parts in the poem, “while more words of hurt are flung across the neighborhood” and “nor were you meant to hurt the ones you love just to prove a point and create a storm in teacup" I loved the amazing imagery the reader, or at least I did, saw when reading these lines! The use of a storm and teacup as a metaphor was brilliant! I’m quite astounded at how well I liked this poem, no offence to you, just because I’ve been going through a period of disinterest in poetry. Thanks for sharing/listening, it’s been an enjoyable read and I hope to see more from you! "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
