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Teen Poetry #8
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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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You said |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
You said you'll come, You said you'll stay; you said you'll never go away. How come I'm here without you,alone without your love? you're in my mind in a distance far away. What happened to I'll stay and never go away, I'm alone in a hole surrounded with darkness. Without you I have forgotten,forgotten all the lies forgotten you. I'm numb in side lost in my mind. You're gone, gone away, gone out of my mind out to stay. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Indya - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
exelent rhyming and all that. but i think that more is needed to this, but thats just my oppinion. hey will u check out Just Another Soldier 4 me? |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
I should have added more to my poem but It came right from the top of my head and I was looking for a pen to write it down and for got half of it and added more to it. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I think the rhyming was too repitive personally. It seems likes its half an idea or just one small idea. You should add more. |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
basically agree with the above. it was nice but should be longer. AIM-beatufu1tragidy |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hmm… I actually liked the length of this poem the way it is. With your permission wwzwlmd8 I would like to offer a bit of a critique? I noticed that you didn’t have a critique message but also saw what the others said and I was wondering if it would bother you. Just thought I’d ask before putting my big feet in my mouth again!  "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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wwzwlmd8 Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 96San Diego,CA |
stargal you can critique my poem, anyone can it doesn't bother me. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi, Thanks for accepting my opinion on your poem, just be warned I usually don’t know what I’m talking about, I just pretend I do!  Like I said before, I do like the length, it’s short and to the point but it doesn’t clutter up the poem and lose the meaning like some longer poems are apt to do. I would add some grammar in this poem though, just the little things, like… well, here’s what I would suggest, as a starter you would want to improve on anything I did because my grammar sucks! "You said you'll come, You said you'll stay; you said you'll never go away. How come I'm here without you, alone without your love? You're in my mind in a distance far away. What happened to (“) I'll stay and never go away (”)(?) I'm alone (,) in a hole surrounded with darkness. Without you I have forgotten, forgotten all the lies (,) forgotten you. I'm numb in (inside) side (,) lost in my mind. You're gone, gone away, gone out of my mind (,) out to stay. " Mostly it is just little things like that, for some reason grammar is bugging me of late… The poem itself is good though; maybe a tad bit repetitive in spots but there’s a force behind your words that is lacking in a lot of poems at times. Anyway, thanks for sharing this piece and listening to my ramblings, it’s been an enjoyable read  "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Tiny comment on Stargals 'm numb in (inside) *side* (,) lost in my mind. *=delete |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
I did mean delete the "in" and "side" and make it "inside" instead, I guess I wasn't clear in that though "I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino @-->--- |
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