»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #8
»
The old sea captain
| Teen Poetry #8 |
|
The old sea captain |
|
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Cherry hot flames flicker on saturated sand. Radiating territorial claims on a patch of dry land. Perched on a log severed from its limb, sits a weathered old sea captain. Voyaged through every gale, trifling with the lock in Davey Jones locker. Holding a faded blue cap ragged in shreds, held together by a safety pin. He’s the counterpart of a headless body, huddling by dying embers, trapped in his final port, vessel drifted out to sea on mutiny’s tide. Drunken facaded senses dulled to the pricking blade. Swaggered off the ship, marching into waves slamming on the beach. Caught by his safety net threaded with smoke fibers and fire cords, \Waiting by his blackened coals, staring down the waves. Daring them to reach him, grip him in slippery salty digits, pull him to a quick end. Remnants of a spice encrusted on his collar, his stiff and antiseptic tunic sullied. A winner of an ad for Oxy, grimy with mushy sand particles. Bald head is a polished piece of gold, with smudges of whitening tufts of hair. Turning his defeated legacy as a Sea captain in to the master of the water. Engraving his title in the sand, spitting saliva letters. Stomping out what is keeping at bay the animals awaiting his old gnarled old body. Flaming torches twinkle out, as he let’s sleep take him. High tide grasping his bony form, fingers curled around his limbs, washes away the Old sea captain. \\\\\\\\\ \Jessica I know how you feel, no one reads my stuff anymore it seems also. This needs tons of work and is too prosey for my liking, I like the idea and descriptive ness but its pretty bad. I need help!Suggestions? |
||
| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
themute Member
since 2006-05-08
Posts 469Maryland |
I would say, that your ability to describe, is well honed, and your diction is fickle, but good when its good. What you are lacking is wisdom, a message or a theme of some kind. i havent read any of your other stuff, but if this is a representation, i would say you need work in your diction and you need to think about what your writing is trying to say -descriptive poetry is half the battle. I am the two-toed wanderer |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This wasnt sopposed to have um.. a meaning, or havent thought about one. its more of a narritive. REAd, by me if you want to read something that actually reps how i write THe real you but that is more "diary "entry as Moonbeam calls it. Escape I am, and left alone and True friend were all answere to challenges but arent to bad of writes ENcounter Mirror image and two left feet BEAuty of the world Want to cry America Storm Voices A staged act Live for the moment Too late empty corridors\ Assasain\ if they didnt pull it sailors Doom Read my writes in the CA forum |
||
Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Just because you don't get a large number of replies, does not mean no one reads them. I read everything in Teen, and many of the writes in Open and elsewhere without commenting. There are others who do so also. You may burn my flag... only after you wrap yourself in it first. |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
It seems, it was an open comment, to jessica. I was wrong I guess. Its just hard to know who reads it, when they don't comment. Ringo what did you think of the poem and what can I do to improve? |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
