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freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

0 posted 2008-12-18 12:39 PM

I’ve been blind for so long
I forgot how the light shines
You’ve been there all along
By my side this whole time

You never once turned away
Saw my problems, and my pain
But you always knew that one day
My life would change

I didn’t want to see
What I had become
Lost myself, wasn’t me
Let it all come undone

I didn’t want to know
How fake I could be
I thought I was alone
Lost at sea

But now I know
That I can be free
You are the one
That I always need

I’ve been lost for so long
Forgot how love really feels
You’ve been there all along
Waiting to reveal

That you are true love
Just waiting for me
For my eyes to open up
And look upon the light

Now I can see

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2008-12-18 01:01 AM

"I didn’t want to see
What I had become
Lost myself, wasn’t me
Let it all come undone"

been there.

good write

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2008-12-18 12:02 PM

"I’ve been lost for so long
Forgot how love really feels
You’ve been there all along
Waiting to reveal"

Love that stanza!

Your writing keeps getting better each time i read!

Great work!

-Zach

So together but so broken inside

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2008-12-18 07:53 PM

Thanks!!!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

4 posted 2008-12-18 09:30 PM

Freeand2sexy, I enjoy reading your poems. I believe you've got great poetic potential, and I look forward to reading more. Have you thought about giving the other forms (e.g. sonnets, ballads) a try?

Also, with a little work, you could tighten the meter, find solid rhymes and enhance your poem greatly. For example:

In the fourth line of the first stanza, a solid rhyme can be achieved by changing "this whole time" to "at all times;"

In the fourth stanza:
"And now I know
I can be free"

I'll let you work the rest, if it pleases you. Should you need help, it is available.

I look forward to reading your next post

Mark

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

5 posted 2008-12-18 09:34 PM

I might give it a try

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

6 posted 2008-12-18 09:46 PM

Thanks for your help, wow, this will really help my poetry, wow!

With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life.

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

7 posted 2008-12-18 10:11 PM

Freeand2sexy, with open arms you are welcome to come have fun with us in Critical Analysis and Poetry Workshop. They sure help me to write better verse

Mark

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