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Poem i had do do includeing rhyme scheme rate plz
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Poem i had do do includeing rhyme scheme rate plz |
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Rand0m_guy54321 New Member
since 2008-12-08
Posts 7U.S. |
14 BY: Landon Bauer So many emotions racing rapidly through my mind So confused cause I’m running out of time Feeling things no 14 year old should feel All these things are sending me reeling All these things I shouldn’t be feeling Doing things no man should have to do Trying to do more than I can handle alone It’s so hard on me I feel like I’m going to break This may not look bad but it’s not a piece of cake All the things I’m trying to make Trying to fit in at school hey that’s not happening I’m like an outcast that no one wants to talk to Trying to concentrate but so many things are racing through my mind So confused cause I’m in a bind So messed up inside of my mind |
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| © Copyright 2008 Landon Bauer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Rand0m_guy54321 New Member
since 2008-12-08
Posts 7U.S. |
wow i didnt notice i put do do in the subject that wasnt good |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Lol so you wrote 'do do', oh well mistakes happen, Nice poem by the way! I love pancakes!!! |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
"So many emotions racing rapidly through my mind (A) So confused cause I’m running out of time (A) Feeling things no 14 year old should feel (B) All these things are sending me reeling (C) All these things I shouldn’t be feeling (C) Doing things no man should have to do (A) Trying to do more than I can handle alone (B) It’s so hard on me I feel like I’m going to break (C) This may not look bad but it’s not a piece of cake (C) All the things I’m trying to make (C) Trying to fit in at school hey that’s not happening (A) I’m like an outcast that no one wants to talk to (B) Trying to concentrate but so many things are racing through my mind (C) So confused cause I’m in a bind (C) So messed up inside of my mind" (C) Well, this is how I see your rhyme scheme, unless I'm missing some internal rhyme scheme pattern I'm not sure I understand how yours works; perhaps you could explain your intent for me, unless you were simply trying to break the monotony of A, B, C, C, C by throwing in the first stanza, I'm not sure what you were doing. I do have a suggestion though, and please don't take this wrongly. I think you need to be a more specific in your poem. You talk quite a lot about your "thoughts" but the reader isn't given a good idea of what those might be. I believe it would enhance the poem if it wasn't so generic in it's descriptions. I did like that you had an analogy in there; it was a good idea to have a comparison of your life to cake. Unfortunately I can't give this a rating, I wouldn't know where to start. I enjoyed reading this piece and hopefully I will see more of your poems in the future. Stargal~ |
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what_hope? New Member
since 2008-12-10
Posts 9sc |
nice |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I was going to comment on the same things stargal did but she wrote it first. Lol. Use more imagery and go into more depth. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Like the topic man. But Stargal was right. Rhyming scheme wasn't at its best. Try to work on it a little. And Rhia I think his imagery was fine. I think there's a fine line between just enough imagery and killing the poem with it. Good job Landon. -Zach So together but so broken inside |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Actually, I didn't mean to say the rhyme scheme was bad. I wanted to know why he did it in this particular way. I know many poets will change one stanza in a longer poem to rid the monotony. I didn't feel it was necessary in this poem because it was not of a long nature. And also because when it is this short, it's a little harder to see there is a pattern unless you pay close attention. |
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Rand0m_guy54321 New Member
since 2008-12-08
Posts 7U.S. |
at the time i thought feel rhymed with reeling lol i guess it doesnt though |
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KandyGrl511 Member
since 2008-11-30
Posts 52Michigan |
i loved it!really really good! |
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