new poem need some critic PLEASE READ

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Teen Poetry #8

new poem need some critic PLEASE READ

Rand0m_guy54321
New Member

since 2008-12-08

Posts 7
U.S.

0 posted 2008-12-08 10:26 PM

Up in Smoke
By Landon Bauer
Ohh no
Not him why
The fire is out of control
Oh no there goes all the baby photos
Why does he have to have such bad luck

All her photos
His entire work
His entire life all up in smoke

Ohh no
Now its in his room
I can see the windows crack
I can hear his cries of desperation
I try to comfort him
All of his stuff
His brand new tv
His girlfriends photos
His brand new gun
All up in smoke

The fireman just stand by
Because of the chiefs foolish pride
they say they are out of water
ohh now they are dehydrated
the attic catches fire again
now they have to start over
why does this have to happen to him
now all that’s left are charred remains
of a life that was good
all the memories and photos are lost
all of them gone up in smoke

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

1 posted 2008-12-09 12:35 PM

wow Landon that was a very strong poem.. and Im sorry you had to go through such a big loss..
good luck with everything and Welcome to Passions
Krysti

Rand0m_guy54321
New Member

since 2008-12-08

Posts 7
U.S.

2 posted 2008-12-09 06:59 PM

Thanks i wrote this because just last week my friends house burned down and they lost everything but now hes in a new home renting it while they rebuild

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

3 posted 2008-12-09 08:40 PM

Really nice poem, I've been in that situation also, I think it was about 4 years ago, so i can relate to what your friend is going through

I love pancakes!!!

KandyGrl511
Member

since 2008-11-30

Posts 52
Michigan

4 posted 2008-12-23 08:39 PM

wow that was nice

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