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Teen Poetry #8
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hallelujah
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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hallelujah |
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Aeris Nicole Junior Member
since 2003-08-18
Posts 21 |
just being here with you makes me feel so whole open up your heart let me in your soul swear i'll never hurt you i know i'll always care even if you doubt me i always will be there please just listen closely what i say is true hold these words in memory no matter what you do let me have a chance to tell you how i feel at least just stay a while so you'll know that this is real wish upon the stars tonight i wish for you risking everything for this to be so true endlessly awaiting for you to grab my hand never let it go i hope you understand cause without you i'm not me i hope that you will see everything that you have done has allowed me to be free so before you feel so low before you feel so weak inside i'll always love you there is no need to weep love is something special i never want to lose love puts up a fight that makes you so confused something that is sacred in the end you feel complete when you realize you've won the love you'll always keep |
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| © Copyright 2006 Aeris Nicole - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
i cant believe no one posted on this yet! it was good. loved the length. very perpetual. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Except for the last rhyme , this was not forced at all. That ain't easy for that length of poem. Excited to see your next write |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Minor things about syllable count . just being here with you makes me feel so whole open up your heart let me in your soul swear i'll never hurt you ( i know) I will always care * delete know, even up the syllable count. even if you doubt me i (always) will be there* delete always please just listen closely(what i say is) I tell it to you true*change it so it is even hold these words in memory no matter what you do let me have a chance to tell you how i feel at least just stay a while so you'll know (that this) it's real * delete those two words wish upon the stars tonight i wish for you risking everything for this to be so true endlessly awaiting for you to grab my hand never let it go i hope you (will) understand*add cause without you i'm not me i hope that you see everything you've done has ( allowed me to be) let me be free*delete so before you feel so low before you feel so weak inside i'll always love you there is no need to weep love is something special i never want to lose love puts up a fight that makes you so confused something that is sacred in the end you feel complete when you realize you've won the love you'll always keep NIce work , just minor syllable count things. Rhyming was very smooth and rhythmn good for the most part |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
very nice flow, and rhyme a good length the begining was awesome the ending was ok but not as good as the first bit... hunnie  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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