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| Teen Poetry #8 |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
~This poem FRUSTRATES me. I don't know if I like it or not. It's from a guys' perspective, I'm pretty sure. And... Just blah! I thought of the very last two lines first, and I went from there. But I don't know if I like it. This is as good as I could make it. If ANYONE has ANY suggestions at all, for a title or otherwise, pleeease share. 'Twould make me happy.~ I was looking out the windshield, Watching the miles fly by. I’d just up and left you, And honestly I can’t say why. I thought I’d give you a few days, Then I’d come home and we’d talk. Then you’d let me go, and I’d leave again That’s what I thought. But when I got there the house was dark, You didn’t answer my knock. I started to worry, tried the door, Discovered that it wasn’t locked. None of the lights were on, Just the ceiling fans. I found a note under the table, Written in your beautiful hand. “I’m glad you’re not home, This’ll be better if I’m not here. This is hard to say, and I know it’s harder to hear. But I can’t stay here, Pretend I’m in love. You’ll always keep part of me, But the rest of me gave up.” The date said the day I’d left, And I couldn’t believe my heart’s luck. Who knew it would take you leavin’ me To make me realize I messed up? I looked for you for a while, Then I just let you go. I thought about what I had wanted The day I hit the road… I still think about it now, And it’s still hard to believe. The evening that I left you, Was the day you walked out on me. Act well your part, for there all honor lies. - Alexander Pope |
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| © Copyright 2008 Kelsey Dianne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RedNail Member
since 2008-02-29
Posts 65Stockholm, Sweden |
I like this poem because I thik it is neutral, not a female nor male perspective.. almost. The last lines was the very best, it made it complete. Well done Fairy. Life is a rollercoster, live for the ride. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I like it too. Call it maybe, 'the day I left' |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
Hi Kels... I LOVE THIS.. but i do think it needs tweaking.. so if u don't mind.. here's my take on it.. having changed a few bits.. I was looking out the windshield, Watching the miles fly on by. I just up and left you, But I don’t know why. I thought I’d give you a few days, Then I’d come home and we could talk. Then you’d let me go and leave well at least that’s what I thought. But when I got there the house was dark, You didn’t answer my knock. I started to worry, tried the door, Discovered it wasn’t locked. None of the lights were on, Just the ceiling fans. I found a note under the table, Written by your beautiful hand. “I’m glad you’re not home, This’ll be better if I’m not here. This is hard to say, and I know it’s harder to hear. But I can’t stay here, Pretend I’m in love. You’ll always keep part of me, But the rest of me gave up.” The date said the day I’d left, And I couldn’t believe my luck. Who knew it would take you leavin’ me To make me realize I’d messed up? I looked for you for a while, Then I just let you go. I thought about what I had wanted The day I hit the road… I still think about it now, And it’s still hard to believe. The evening that I left you, Was the day you walked out on me. As u can see i barely changed anything... As for a title.. " I Guess She's Gone Now, Or The Leaving Game" |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
The Leaving Game is perfect!!!!!! I love it!! You're my hero now. = ] Don't take life so seriously. It's not permanent. |
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