Teen Poetry #8 |
Lament of The Guilty |
Taylor See Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55North Carolina, US |
Paces quicken, hands are shaking In that quiet, empty hall Every bloody heart is breaking Nerves too frayed to sleep, at all Fresh metal coffins hasten past Escorted by guards in gleaming coats And life-oil leaks from ruptured valves From splaying tubes and bandaged throats A sudden scream engulfs their ears Re-shatters the broken calm of those Who wait in terror of the news: The fate of their dear darling, Rose A Rose she was, with scarlet cheeks And scarlet hair and a heart that leaks Shrouded with white that cannot hide The struggle raging deep inside A man sits across from the dying girl His eyes and face are scarlet too A man whose life had led him wrong The anguish within him grew and grew In a blissful haze of clouded mind He wed their cars in a clash of sound Now he sees what he has done His bright tears fall now to the ground Take him away a voice is calling To doubt her fate is too appalling! His hands are trapped by cold metal claws Pulled to his feet, by the Arms of the Laws. His eyes still rain, but the fiends do not care! At the door he breaks with a frantic yell And buries his face in her ruby-caked hair "Forgive me, please! You must get well!" "Oh god! Oh, God! What have I done!" To the floor he fell with his weeping head "The fault was mine! This is not right!" "You cannot be dying! Can't be dead?" The flower lay so lifeless still And sobbing he is dragged away The peaceful face of youthful life That haunts him each and every day And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall |
||
© Copyright 2008 William Taylor Cody - All Rights Reserved | |||
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
This is a descent idea. You don't have any critique instructions so I don't know how much I can say. I'll just end by saying there were bits I liked and bits I didn't. |
||
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
oh ya, check one of mine out sometime, not to toot my own horn or anything. (i hate that phrase) |
||
Taylor See Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55North Carolina, US |
Young Blood, Please feel free to critique any way you want, I missed setting the message and I'm not quite sure how to go back and set one. As long as it's constructive, hit me with it =) And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall |
||
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
I think that my only real suggestion is to try to be more creative with your rhyme. every single one of those couplets, I have heard before. If you're writing for expression, stretch your thoughts around new ideas and ways of writing. I look forward to reading more. |
||
⇧ top of page ⇧ | ||
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. |