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Teen Poetry #8
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Taylor See
Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55
North Carolina, US

0 posted 2008-10-13 02:41 PM


Paces quicken, hands are shaking
In that quiet, empty hall
Every bloody heart is breaking
Nerves too frayed to sleep, at all

Fresh metal coffins hasten past
Escorted by guards in gleaming coats
And life-oil leaks from ruptured valves
From splaying tubes and bandaged throats

A sudden scream engulfs their ears
Re-shatters the broken calm of those
Who wait in terror of the news:
The fate of their dear darling, Rose

A Rose she was, with scarlet cheeks
And scarlet hair and a heart that leaks
Shrouded with white that cannot hide
The struggle raging deep inside

A man sits across from the dying girl
His eyes and face are scarlet too
A man whose life had led him wrong
The anguish within him grew and grew

In a blissful haze of clouded mind
He wed their cars in a clash of sound
Now he sees what he has done
His bright tears fall now to the ground

Take him away a voice is calling
To doubt her fate is too appalling!
His hands are trapped by cold metal claws
Pulled to his feet, by the Arms of the Laws.

His eyes still rain, but the fiends do not care!
At the door he breaks with a frantic yell
And buries his face in her ruby-caked hair
"Forgive me, please! You must get well!"

"Oh god! Oh, God! What have I done!"
To the floor he fell with his weeping head
"The fault was mine! This is not right!"
"You cannot be dying! Can't be dead?"

The flower lay so lifeless still
And sobbing he is dragged away
The peaceful face of youthful life
That haunts him each and every day

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

© Copyright 2008 William Taylor Cody - All Rights Reserved
young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
1 posted 2008-10-13 03:20 PM


This is a descent idea. You don't have any critique instructions so I don't know how much I can say. I'll just end by saying there were bits I liked and bits I didn't.
young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
2 posted 2008-10-13 03:21 PM


oh ya, check one of mine out sometime, not to toot my own horn or anything. (i hate that phrase)
Taylor See
Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55
North Carolina, US
3 posted 2008-10-13 03:22 PM


Young Blood,

Please feel free to critique any way you want, I missed setting the message and I'm not quite sure how to go back and set one. As long as it's constructive, hit me with it =)

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

young_blood
Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN
4 posted 2008-10-14 07:39 PM


I think that my only real suggestion is to try to be more creative with your rhyme. every single one of those couplets, I have heard before. If you're writing for expression, stretch your thoughts around new ideas and ways of writing. I look forward to reading more.
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