Nightingale (not my best work)

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Teen Poetry #8

Nightingale (not my best work)

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2008-10-01 09:55 PM

Nightingale, oh Nightingale.
Sing your melody in which you sing.
It plays a special role in my heart.
My heart is carried off with the flutter of your wings.

Your siren voice.
Sings its lullaby.
Setting my heart a flutter.
Taking off to fly.

Nightingale, Nightingale
Rest you little head; morning's about to break.
Huddle with your eggs.
And don't let sunrise let you wake.

Beauty surrounds us.
In little ways we ignore.
But these little things in life.
I tend to adore.

A Nightingale's tune.
The wind rushing through the tree's.
Brings me at peace.
Set's this locked up heart is set free.

(Yeah this poem isn't my best. It might need some work.. But eh I'll let you guys decide for that. Thanks for reading!)

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

1 posted 2008-10-01 10:01 PM

It was really good! It gave me a good image of the nightingale singing

Live in the present but don't forget the future

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

2 posted 2008-10-02 08:14 PM

Beauty surrounds us.
In little ways we ignore.
But these little things in life.
I tend to adore.

OK Zach you need to get to work. That stanza was one of the best I've ever seen on pip.
Here's the problem, the rest of the piece didn't flow, maybe that's just me but I have a feeling you've seen it too. Clean it up, maybe get rid of a few rymns if they're getting in the way of your flow. Work it out and repost it because this could be so awesome with a bit of clipping.

I don't usualy give critisism but I have a good reason right now...it could be SO good!

but i digress...

OH SHUT UP SHUT UP AND GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE!!!!

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

3 posted 2008-10-04 11:39 AM

Hey Frank,

Yeah I tried to rhyme and although it sounds nice it can make the sound a little ridged.. I'm trying to keep editing/change it a little but even though I take some rhymes out.. It just doesn't sound right.. the flow is still off. Do you have any idea's or thoughts? Please and thanks.

-Zach

"I'd rather be anything but ordinary!!"

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