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Teen Poetry #8
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Man Of Metal
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Man Of Metal |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Man Of Metal I am a man of metal I am a man of war I stop at nothing to destroy I will cause wounds of raw My face holds no expression I will not stop to think I will keep on fighting Till my life is on the brink My armour is my thoughts Encased inside my head Nothing will cease this anger Not the living nor the dead Fury blinds my sight Blood pulses with rage My body is invincible Trapped inside this cage I know am the right one The one who knows it all No one dares question me No net to break my fall Bodies lie around me Blood runs in red regret This is not enough to stop me Not enough to make me fret It will take more than just a dead man More than just a tearful face I will stop at nothing even if It means destroying human race I have no loved one To stop and hold me back I simply have nobody To get me back on track If no one really cares What do I have to lose? Though I speak no lies Neither do I speak truths I am a man of metal Man of war through and through Why should I stop this devastation When I have no reason to |
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| © Copyright 2008 Octave - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
OMG. speachless...astounding...i loved it soooo much. props.lol the title just drew me in and the poem was even better. wow. just wow. |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
It was AWESOME, but you said to be harsh, so some parts of it threw me off my balance, just a little bit. The flow was almost flawless but there were just little things here and there. Other than that it was really amazing. I lOVED it! Live in the present but don't forget the future |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Aww thanks so much guys. =]]]] Yeah, the timing is a little off in places, and it needs some work. I wasn't keen on the poem, but you guys seem to like it. Thanks for the crit! |
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Taylor See Member
since 2008-10-07
Posts 55North Carolina, US |
Nice work, Octave I really liked it, the flow was nearly perfect. I have a few suggestions. Take whatever you want and leave the rest. The only lines I noticed that could use minor alteration were I am a man of metal I am a man of war I stop at nothing to destroy >>I will cause wounds of raw<< [Here sounds a bit peculiar. Unsure if you meant to have it here as a reverse of "war"] Fury blinds my sight >>Blood pulses with (my?)rage<< [Perhaps add "my" here to alter the rhythm] My body is invincible Trapped inside this cage >>I know (I?) am the right one<< [is "know" supposed to be here? or is it now? If it is "know" then maybe add "I" after it] The one who knows it all >>No one dares (to?)question me<< [Perhaps add "to" here to alter the rhythm] No net to break my fall Bodies lie around me Blood runs in red regret >>This is not enough to stop me<< >>Not enough to make me fret<< [If you intended to use "not enough" twice, ignore this. Otherwise maybe change the first one to "no one here" or "no one" >>I (don't?)have (a) loved one<< [Again, a change to improve the rhythm. Take it if you like it] To stop and hold me back I simply have nobody To get me back on track Other then these few I found, the rhythm and word choice is excellent. Great work! And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall |
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