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Teen Poetry #8
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Fix Me
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Fix Me |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Fix Me [REDRAFT] See these tears, See this face. See the hatred Sink without trace. Hold my hand, Hold me tight Keep on trying, Help me see light Pick up the pieces, All the broken glass That shattered from inside me Cracking strong and fast Don’t give up Mop up fallen tears Mend me back together Trample all my fears Cover up my ugliness Cover up my hate Get rid off all my flaws Try and change my fate Cease this burning hatred That blazes from inside Tell me that I’m beautiful Even though its all lies Hold my hand, Hold me tight Keep on trying, Help me see light Fix me back together, Sew my burst seams Banish all my nightmares Pick up broken dreams Fix me. [This message has been edited by Octave (09-05-2008 11:59 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Octave - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
wow. this is soo deep. beyond the thinkable. |
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YoungAmbition New Member
since 2008-09-03
Posts 7London Town! UK baby. |
A good poem but it needs a little tightening in some places and the timing and tempo runs into a little trouble at the end of verses. Just cut a few words to keep the last line of verse a little shorter and still in tempo with the rest ie drop the 'A' from the last line of the first verse and possibly revise the last line of the second verse because it's a little long winded in comparison with the rest of the verse. These are all things that were said to me about poems i've written so trust me i understand trying to do your best and i only hope you'll take a few poinst of my advice and matched with the brilliance of your poem otherwise, grow better. =D |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
Thanks so much for your crit and suggestions, i appreciate them greatly, and they really do help. I ahve edited the poem in my first post, and it runs a little more smoothly now. If you ahve anymore suggestions, feel free to share. Thak you. =] |
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