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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2008-09-02 12:17 PM

Tears of the past; familiar to me.
A burden in which i bear.
Like the weight of the world
Looming heavily over me.

Memories kill the soul that was long gone away.
A love was once stong here
but now lost in the sands of time.
Trying to move on is harder then they say.

The passing storm is heavy and hard.
But the sun will shine soon.
I know it will.
These tried eye's will see the light..

Even though this long journey of recovery is hard.
But I'll make it through..

(Its not quite finish and I might start over on this.. But tell me what you guys think anyway.. Thanks. Hope you guys enjoyed!)

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

1 posted 2008-09-03 07:24 PM

It was OK until the last stanza. You need to shorten that second to last line, work out the beats.
(Or send me a sound bite cause I'm readin it wrong)

Be who you are
And say what you feel
'Cause those who mind don't matter
And those who matter don't mind
-Dr Suess

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2008-09-04 09:24 AM

Frank, Your reading it right. I haven't been writing lately. Been stuck on playing piano. I think I'm losing what little talent I have left... But thanks for your thought... =/

Peace on Earth,

-Zach

Just.Another.Falling.Star
Member

since 2008-05-08

Posts 422
Canada

3 posted 2008-09-04 05:24 PM

It was still pretty good. I think if you added on it would increase the way it plays with the mind. But even if you kept it short like this it still gives you an interesting picture. Great write! Library.

P.S.
Is this the one from the song?

~*Julianna*~

"You don't know me...but I know you. That's all that matters right now... Mr.Rainey!" - Secret Window

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2008-09-05 07:38 AM

Yeah I wrote this while listening to Fireflies by Amanda Falk...

P.S. CHECK OUT MY MYSPACE SONG!! I'm sure you'll like it... lol

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