Heaven Seems Dreary Today - pipTalk Forums

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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2008-07-31 01:09 PM

if you tell me a story
i swear to listen
im hanging on your every word
your too good for me
this i can see
but god what i wouldnt give
for that second look
that you never took
that perfect smile i missed

heaven seems cloudy and dreary today
as the rain pours down from the sky
you never even noticed me
but i didnt think that you would

because your the closest thing to an angel
that could ever walk this earth
perfection wrapped in beauty
and me im nothing but dirt

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

1 posted 2008-07-31 02:24 PM

awww bryan, you must acutally love this girl. how sweet . . .

-KAte

"Lucy: I think you are the most selfish person on the planet. George: Well that's just silly. Have you met everyone on the planet?"

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

2 posted 2008-07-31 02:34 PM

having read what i just said it sounds really stupid, please just forget it . . . nice work though, your true feelings showed through.

-Kate

"Lucy: I think you are the most selfish person on the planet. George: Well that's just silly. Have you met everyone on the planet?"

RevengeIsMine
Senior Member

since 2006-07-08

Posts 820
Australia

3 posted 2008-08-01 09:15 AM

It's beautiful.. she must be one hell of a special girl...

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

4 posted 2008-08-01 12:44 PM

thank you guys. this really isnt even a good poem at all.

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

5 posted 2008-08-01 06:41 PM

Don't sell yourself short. This was great Bryan. Wonderful.

Be who you are
And say what you feel
'Cause those who mind don't matter
And those who matter don't mind
-Dr Suess

Lady Ayla
Member

since 2008-07-19

Posts 84
WV, United States

6 posted 2008-08-03 05:26 PM

Don't put yourself down!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

7 posted 2008-08-03 08:56 PM

Well, the sentiment is beautiful but I admit it's not one of my favorites by you. Though all of your poems are wonderful I think this one was less precise then some of the others I have seen.

Here is a thought though;

"if you tell me a story
i swear to listen
im hanging on your every word"

the way the first two lines read makes the third seem contradictory. I think if you changed "i'm" to "i'd" and "hanging" to "hang" it would fix the problem.

The concept of heaven being dreary is wonderful, a great contradiction (and this time a good contradiction) toward what everyone thinks of heaven, it is an interesting thought.

Anyway, best of luck to you Bryan, it was nice, as always, seeing one of your poems

Stargal

I am the arch angel
Member

since 2008-02-02

Posts 167
nowhere,illinois,USA

8 posted 2008-08-04 04:49 AM

hmm it is only fair that i comment back and i am very astound by this short but precise, i like it. don't feel unnoticed but don't put yourself out there.....you will be noticed no matter what. just be yourself, and have fun, life is short

If its at its worst don't stop believing, because I'm right here and I'm not leaving

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