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Exile
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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Exile |
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Octave Member
since 2008-07-29
Posts 186Highlands, Scotland. |
I just joined this forum, and thought i would post one of my poems. It is not very good, so feel free to critique it. Be as harsh as you would like. Exile I feel so cold and so alone Life’s back is turned against My scarred and open eyes The burden sinks its thorns Into my weeping skin The agony of darkness Seeps into every crack The whistle of that Same old tune Worn into bleeding ears Sings its silent mercy Into the cupped hand Of my loneliness Faces rise against the beat Like milky, pale moon As my broken song Lifts across the shards Of my broken life Torn from my being My footsteps will No longer fall upon My shattered shadow As I walk alone now In that cold and distant Land called life. |
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| © Copyright 2008 Octave - All Rights Reserved | |||
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
You underestimate yourself, Octave. This is very good. Think carefully about your choice of words. Make sure your message is clearly conveyed. This was my favorite part: "The whistle of that Same old tune Worn into bleeding ears Sings its silent mercy" Cierra |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
in that cold and distant land called life. wow. you blew me away and then when i came back the memory blew me away again. Amazing, we are getting some really nice new talent. Love it- library. -Kate "Lucy: I think you are the most selfish person on the planet. George: Well that's just silly. Have you met everyone on the planet?" [This message has been edited by RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed (07-30-2008 10:24 AM).] |
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Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
well, this is a very well written poem. but i think it would be even better if you put it in stanza's. but thats just me. its up to you though. |
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