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buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

0 posted 2006-10-27 02:14 PM

the wind whispers in my ear
as your words are slowly re-played
when winter came you turned austere
as you finally completely slipped away.

i wonder while im walking
what is going on with You
are you happy or sad with what i've done?
i only wish i knew.

the leaves blow along the street
and all sounds are distant to me
with each and every heartbeat
im breaking farther from Your love.

stopping for a moment
to watch the young kid's run
i wish for something that is long absent
the innocence of child's play.

slipping away from sanity
is really all so simple to do
my mind begins to get hazy
and i will myself to some insane one's hands.

stolen from myself
i lost my young heart too soon
now i know it will never heal
forever am i doomed to gloom.

the master of evil stole my heart from God
i wish i'd known how to block my soul
cause then i wouldn't be hell-clod
would i now or was i meant for fire??

one mistake i knew i'd make
was falling away from Him
i wish i'd just trusted myself a little more
so my life wouldn't have to be so grim.

sin eats at my soul
and i know ive given in
forever from now on my life's whole
will be serving a beast...the Devil, as much as i tell myself no.
no i really am not like this just saying..its just a poem i thought i'd write...

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-28 07:16 AM

slipping away from sanity
is really all so simple to do
my mind begins to get hazy
and i will myself to some insane one's hands.*you already use losing sanity so how about\Crazy ones hand

stolen from myself
i lost my young heart too soon
now i know it will never heal
forever am i doomed to gloom.* here I think I am forever doomed to gloom would work better.

the master of evil stole my heart from God
i wish i'd known how to block my soul
cause then i wouldn't be hell-clod
would i now or was i meant for fire??*loved this whole stanza but the fire part was good but seemed somewhat off

nick_lyss
Member

since 2006-08-21

Posts 88

2 posted 2006-10-28 05:40 PM

I like this part
         the wind whispers in my ear
    as your words are slowly re-played
    when winter came you turned austere
   as you finally completely slipped away.
I also like the title

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

3 posted 2006-10-30 09:03 AM

thanks for the critique rhia, its much appriciated! ill defiantly work with that=]

thanks alot nick_lyss, thanks for replying! it means alot that you enjoy my poetry

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

4 posted 2006-11-01 07:19 AM

yep i liked this one. i'm hardcore Christian so its kinda awrkward reading about serving the Devil lol but that has nothing to do with how it was written. and it was written well
good job

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

5 posted 2006-11-01 11:42 AM

thanks bekah, and I don't really serve the devil...=] i just wrote this poem with how i was feeling..i had just finished a book called "the last sin eater" about a person who has to eat other peoples sins so they can go to heaven, and i just decided i would write a poem about how i would feel if that was me...idk, but anyway, thanks!

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

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