nothing to say(my really really bad attempt at a love poem) please help

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Teen Poetry #8

nothing to say(my really really bad attempt at a love poem) please help

wisdomofthesword
Member

since 2007-12-17

Posts 224
the last place on earth

0 posted 2008-06-24 02:23 AM

Hey so i've been away for a while kinda a long story but I'm back now anyway having a bit of writers block but felt the need to try and write about some of these weird new feelings I seem to be having,anyway this is not the kinda stuff I usually write about so please help or suggestions would be much appreciated

every time I see your smile
every time I hear your voice
after all that has happened and all thats been done
I still can't think of a single word to say
I stand there wondering when you smile, say hi, then quickly walk away
I take extra time in the morning, and extra turn in the corridor
to try and impress you, just to walk past you

I've been stabbed and shot and lived in the worst part of town
but none of them frighten me more
than trying, talking to you

I don't care if you think I'm a fool but don't ever tell me so

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

1 posted 2008-06-25 12:24 PM

Awe, it's cute, and i think we all have a time in our life when we'll write a sappy, cheesey, or corny poem. I don't think it needs polishing at all. Great job,

{~~*~~}

"You are not loyal enough to eat my orange jelly beans!...'cuase dat's just how I roll.."
{~Emily~}

graeshine2006
Member

since 2008-06-03

Posts 368
The Prairie Lands, USA

2 posted 2008-06-25 04:34 AM

Wow - I have to agree with the above. No polishing needed. Love the last lines - very powerful!

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

3 posted 2008-06-25 05:30 PM

No real problems here. It's acctualy quite well done.

Now if you want "help" heres a bit of personal taste stuff.

every time I see your smile
every time I hear your voice
after all that has happened
All thats been done

I still can't think of a single word to say
I stand there wondering, when you smile
Say hi, then quickly walk away

I take extra time in the morning,
Extra turns in the corridor
Try and impress you,
Just to walk past you

I've been stabbed and shot
I've lived in the worst part of town
but none of them frighten me more
than trying to talk to you

All it is is a few nit-picking details. This is headed to my library!

VICTORY TO THE MOLE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN