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Teen Poetry #8
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To my face
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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To my face |
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hiddensmiles Senior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 514at the beach... i wish |
(sorry if there are spelling mistakes) If you dont like me thats ok just at least have the guts to say it to my face dont go lieiing about me to those guys if that makes them like you its just fake anyways so if you have a problem with who i am or how i look dont go to your normal ways and just to let you know it makes them think your jelous anyway JJ [This message has been edited by hiddensmiles (04-18-2008 12:40 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 JJ - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jaki H Member
since 2008-01-19
Posts 232NJ, USA |
haha! i like it! it has a kind of innocent, young feel to it and is so different from the typical overdone wording in modern poems... good read! |
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masksrlife Member
since 2008-03-26
Posts 109Canada |
Is this about me? *-crazycece-* |
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hiddensmiles Senior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 514at the beach... i wish |
why do you say that? JJ |
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hiddensmiles Senior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 514at the beach... i wish |
jaki: lol thanks! JJ |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Whoa! nice one. you said few words but said so much. great job! ~Zach~ |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
WOWWWW JJ, I love this/11 just wow!!  Krysti |
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Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
Very nice, simple. I like simple things some of the time. Simply Beautiful "Be Strong and Always Remember what made you you." Earl |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear hiddensmiles, Pretty good. I like that you are straight from the hip and don't try to get fancy. Why you would expect somebody like this to speak to you to your face though is beyond me, and though I'll bet you'd like to have heard it, you wouldn't really have expected it either. That's why I'd like you to consider taking out the last four lines of the first stanza. Your giving the guy a canned and pre-processed talking-to and while that may be all HE deserves, your poem deserves better from you. When you go on and talk about how you don't want him (the Bum, I mean) to go around lying about you to those guys, what would happen if you played around with giving those guys some names. They don't have to be real names. You can make them up or even not do it at all. Sometimes lists like that can be a lot of fun in a poem, sometimes they just lay flat on the floor and look up at you with uncomprehending and bewildered blue eyes, and mutter "Why are you doing this to me? Why me? What did I ever do to you?" The good thing about writing is that you don't have to show those things to anybody though. If you can get a list going then you could say... To those guys, Burt, Bart and Bill; they're fake as you. The last couple of stanzas give me some problems with my ability to follow the sense of your words and my sense of the ending. I confess this is probably me. don't go to your normal ways doesn't tell me enough for me to understand what this Bozo may be up to, and what he's likely to do. Buy spray paint or ammunition; whisper sweet nothings into another girl's ear, or tear off a guy's, or spend the next month at home moping. If you want to include lines of that sort, I need not to be pulled away from this lovely piece by questions I'm asking myself in my own head. I want to stay with the words on your page. Do you see what I mean? I played with it a bit and came out with another way of writing it. It may or may not be what happened, but this is your poem, you can make it come out any way you want, can't you. You can tell any truth you want to tell, whether it's the truth that happened or the truth that the words want on the page. Anyway: Just to let you know, If you have a problem with who i am or how i look, it makes them think you're jealous anyway. I've seen first drafts of poems by professional poets that weren't as good as this one. Just keep writing this stuff and putting it out there for folks to read. That's half the battle in itself. Yours, BobK. |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
Oooooooooooo I like what Bob said about giving them names, but whatever suits you. It was nicely straight forward. Good job Smily. -Kate and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night |
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Belinda Member
since 2006-01-30
Posts 126UK |
I really enjoyed it. it was simple but I think that's partly what made it go great. Good write. Belinda~* Expect nothing, Prepare for anything. |
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hiddensmiles Senior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 514at the beach... i wish |
thank you JJ |
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hiddensmiles Senior Member
since 2008-02-07
Posts 514at the beach... i wish |
bob k thank you for all your advice! JJ |
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