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hiddensmiles
Senior Member

since 2008-02-07

Posts 514
at the beach... i wish

0 posted 2008-03-28 01:37 AM

as the sun rises in the east
my heart sets in the west
but confusion
and dillusion
take over the
feelings i have inside

is there a point
to telling true feelings
will it help the future

i once was waiting
now im paceing
taking in every breath
like i've never breathed before

for now they shall stay hidden
my feelings will just be writtin
but it is better this way
one less trial for the day

JJ

[This message has been edited by hiddensmiles (03-29-2008 10:22 PM).]

xbrokenxlullabyx
Junior Member

since 2007-12-25

Posts 36
NJ, U.S.A.

1 posted 2008-03-29 08:44 PM

okay so a few things to say.

first, i love this stanza:
i once was waiting
now im paceing
taking in every breath
like i've never breathed before

second, I'm confused about the end. you are pacing here (i read that as restless) and experiencing new breath. this I interpreted as wanting change.

however later on you say that you are saving the trouble for another day. i think maybe if you switched the order of stanzas and made the one about waiting for another day before this one, it could show growth. like you've transitioned from holding it in to doing something about it.

idk though, it's awesome how it is. great job =]

Susanna V.

hiddensmiles
Senior Member

since 2008-02-07

Posts 514
at the beach... i wish

2 posted 2008-03-31 12:30 PM

thanks for the advice... i changed it. do you think its better?

JJ

Seoulair
Senior Member

since 2008-03-27

Posts 807
Seoul S.Korea

3 posted 2008-04-01 12:43 PM

nice poem. Write the feeling out.

Earl Robertson
Senior Member

since 2008-01-21

Posts 753
BC, Canada

4 posted 2008-04-02 10:14 AM

for now they shall stay hidden
my feelings will just be writtin
but it is better this way
one less trial for the day

Wonderful! To me this tells an unfortunent truth. We don't grow and if we mature we mature slowly and in our minds.
We play the game, run round in circle and hide what we truly believe!!!
Would showing it help? YES! Why don't we...well you know the answer as well as I do!

"Be Strong and Always Remember what made you you." Earl

"Ooo!!! Ooo!! I know! I know! um...he he" Earl
(Yes I am crazy)

hiddensmiles
Senior Member

since 2008-02-07

Posts 514
at the beach... i wish

5 posted 2008-04-04 12:47 PM

thank you

JJ

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