Another night lived the wrong way.

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patience_iago
Member

since 2006-08-30

Posts 54

0 posted 2006-10-16 09:48 PM

I felt you touch me, I did.
I didn't turn around though, to see you. I knew you'd be gone. And I really wasn't in the mood to run. I'm never in the mood to chase, not after things I'll never find.
Remember when we ran away to a different state? We had nothing but the clothes on our back and a few cigarettes. I felt like an outlaw, but still at home. With you. And you bought me a sweatshirt and a toothbrush with your five dollars. And we didn't need anyone else but ourselves. We never needed anyone but ourselves. We never needed them. And when I was still in love with our world, you returned to theirs. But I waited.

I still wear that sweatshirt, you know. With the broken zipper and the short sleeves.
I just wanted you here, that's all.

"There are some days where i believe i might die of an overdose of satisfaction"
-Dali

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-17 12:12 PM

Its really prosey. It needs more than a jumble of ideas written like a story. Also if it is a poem, its too confusing to crittique something written like prose. It would help to clean it up a bit.

Tell us about this night, what in particluar do you miss describe it.!!!!!! Also, I liked the line about the sweatshirt and toothbrush and five dollars nice description. Build on that. Its a start.

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

2 posted 2006-10-17 03:42 PM

You might try putting this is stanzas or something. This is too much like a story, add some feelings behind it, maybe about the person who gave you the sweatshirt. I did however, love these lines, if you'd just put some feeling behind it, these are really good lines for a poem.

I knew you'd be gone. And I really wasn't in the mood to run. I'm never in the mood to chase, not after things I'll never find.(love that!)

We never needed them. And when I was still in love with our world, you returned to theirs. But I waited.

Erin

AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2006-10-18 12:44 PM

this, i'd agree sounds like prose. But it has some good ideas in there, if you made it more shorter in some sentences and had a different structure this could make a beautiful poem. hope to read more though.
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

4 posted 2006-10-19 09:43 PM

DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!!!!!!!!

while this did needed to be writen (or typed actually) more neatly, This was an amazing piece.

I usually dont like free-lanced poems, i too know the exsact feeling. me and my friend ran away to cali (by the way, i live in indiana) just for fun, with only like thirty dollars. then after some things happened she left and now hangs out with the one person she knows i would do anything to kill.

I love this piec adding to my library

DreamerSpirit
Member

since 2006-10-02

Posts 240
Buenos Aires, Argentina

5 posted 2006-10-20 12:36 PM

I liked this, very much. Excellent writing
i'm new to this part of the forum...i usually post in open poetry...excellent writing!

patience_iago
Member

since 2006-08-30

Posts 54

6 posted 2006-10-21 06:43 PM

Thank you everyone!

"There are some days where i believe i might die of an overdose of satisfaction"
-Dali

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