Afraid I'll spit out the truth (new title)

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Teen Poetry #8

Afraid I'll spit out the truth (new title)

pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

0 posted 2006-10-16 08:26 PM

I’m lost
And completely broken
Because of what she said
“You don’t actually like HIM do you?”
Well, I wish it was all in my head.
I’m sorry I lied
I’m just so afraid
I’m lost
And I haven’t a clue
My heart is broken
And I’m afraid to speak
Cause I’m afraid I’ll spit out the truth

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-10-17 12:16 PM

What is the truth? This needs more set up and structure. Show us more, also tell us more. Its a build up all along for an ending that doesn't tell us anything.

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

2 posted 2006-10-17 03:38 PM

Much agree with the above. This already has alot of emotion, but in order for a reader to relate to it they have to have some sort of idea of what exactly you're talking about. This is so open ended it seems unfinished. Just add on a bit and I'm sure it'll be great.

AIM-beatufu1tragidy

Tell me what you think about being open, about being honest with yourself.

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

3 posted 2006-10-18 12:48 PM

i acually disagree i thought this was good just the way it was... possibly longer but not crucial i thought it did very well on it's own keeps you wondering the truth. hope to read more from you soon.
hunnie*

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~

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