»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #8
»
I'll wait for you
| Teen Poetry #8 |
|
I'll wait for you |
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois 
|
 Girl says: "I'll always wait for you my dear.. Along the moonlight I will wait Without you I fear the clutches of your Fate" The Sailors voice echo's in her head Sailor says: "I'm lost at sea Im sorry my dear We will never be What has happen i have fear... My soul is lost and never coming back I long to be with you But my body is what lacks I want to be with you, really i do" The girl looks out to the sea to notice the ship Girl says: "I'll do whatever it takes I'll sell thy soul for a price well fed Oh for Christ's sake! Please take me instead! Sailor says: "Please my love this will never be My soul is lost, as you can see You cannot come to rescue me Ah my darling, my soul is not free Its trapped on this ship Among thee crew My heart is now ripped This is my burden...If only you knew" The ship crashes among the waves in the pale moonlight Girl says: "But I will forever miss you and all the time we've had. What i'd give to give you one last kiss Forever i will be sad" Salior says: "Don't miss me my dear I'll forever remember you I do not fear Please dont forget me for i will not you" The last words of the salilor echo in her head. Girl Cries out: "No! please no! Dont leave me! The girl runs down from the rocks down to the beach. Wadeing in the waves, her tears begain to over flow The ship begains to sail into the distance. While the waves crash among the shore a faint voice in the distance cry out. "I'll never forget you... I love you...." Then the ship is gone never to be seen again. The girl left in the pale moonlight with tearsdrops falling to the sea. ------------------------------------------- This poem was supposed to be told like a story. Hope you like it! ~Zach~ [This message has been edited by Falling rain (02-21-2008 10:18 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2008 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Dark Star Member
since 2008-02-20
Posts 392Lost in your eyes |
I really like your dialog..  xoxoxoxoxo- Star |
||
|
surf_painter Member
since 2007-04-10
Posts 434Canada |
I liked this but I thought it could do with out the interspurced commentary telling us what the people were doing or the "girl said" "Sailor said"... I liked just the words they were saying to each other but still very good |
||
|
crimsonXnails Member
since 2008-02-10
Posts 108dark/little/heavan.:*:. |
hey hey, i really found the structure intriguing, it's something i've never seen before. good creativity, keep up the good work zach! !Tracey! [p.s. where do you find these pics, they are so beautiful! plus, ur poem reminded me of pirates of the carribean 3] if you can touch me, i know i'm still only dying |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
yeah same here i noticed that when i got done writing this lol. And i get all of my pics from www.photobucket.com they have all different types of pic's that ppl post on there if you wanna know which one this one just type in "moonlight" and search the pages. (it shouldnt be that hard to find.)  And thanks for reading really appretiate it! ~Zach~ |
||
|
RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
wow . . . . . . ................ so beautiful! it's the most lovely thing i've ever read if i could fav. it more than once . . . wow, it was just incredible . . . . . wow i'm so jus blown away, i love this! and the picture is beautiful and went so well. -the blown away (and looking it too) Kate and in the daylight i miss the nightmare- but deathly fear it in the dark of night |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Aww thanks Kate. Thanks for reading! ~Zach~ |
||
|
effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Zach I enjoyed this but kept getting distracted by the story breaking the flow. Personally, I think if you feel the need to tell the reason behind the poem, it would be better to pre empt the poem & lay the tale out first, then hit us with the unbroken poem in it's entirety.. Just my take on it.... Keep at it mate, John |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Eh i was sort of writing this like a script in play or something like that. And besides i dont like to tell a seprate story ot my poems lol thanks for the advise bro Zach [This message has been edited by Falling rain (02-22-2008 01:57 PM).] |
||
|
Earl Robertson Senior Member
since 2008-01-21
Posts 753BC, Canada |
This is amazing! I love the story telling! Great job! "Be Strong and Always Remember what made you you." Earl |
||
|
Clockwork_Orange Senior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 620Space Camp, IN |
its diffrent and unique. i love it. alot. did i mention it was really good? |
||
|
Dark Star Member
since 2008-02-20
Posts 392Lost in your eyes |
Just :bumping: it up xoxoxoxoxoxoxoox- Star |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
haha thanks Star! |
||
|
Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed The Write! ARCTIC WIND |
||
|
rebelangelv Senior Member
since 2007-05-28
Posts 538usa |
omg zack i disagree with everyone on here. i think the poem was perfect exacatly how it was! better than perfect! it was magnificantly gorgeous!!! no lie! great job only a vampire can love you forever. |
||
|
Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
thank you that means alot to me. thanks!! ~Zach~ |
||
|
Ri Member
since 2008-02-01
Posts 67Blackburn, England |
this poem is great, very original. It's a lot better read out loud, though great written. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
