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Teen Poetry #8
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blindfolded
| Teen Poetry #8 |
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blindfolded |
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penguingirl New Member
since 2006-09-28
Posts 6 |
Blindfolded Me and you were separable then we were kids You would tell me we will always be together Until you started your lies our memories all went up into Flames. You stole my dignity along with what little mind you have. You tell me all the time that you love me and would believe You. You are definitely aren’t prince that would come And rescue me you are not with the wait. You are like a infection that wont go away. The reason that you Wont go away is because you don’t have enough dignity to. |
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Brittany Junior Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 32Canada |
It's a good topic but in some parts it was kind of confusing, and i dont see how the title fit it at all. Me and you were separable then we were kids (did you mean inseperable?) You would tell me we will always be together (told me we would always be together seems to fit better) Until you started your lies our memories all went up into Flames. (I would make "until you started all your lies" one line with "and our memories all went up into flames" below it) You stole my dignity along with what little mind you have. (this i dont understand) You tell me all the time that you love me and would believe You. (and I would believe you?) You are definitely aren’t prince that would come And rescue me you are not with the wait. (This i would divide into a couple lines, maybe "you definately arent the prince" "Sent to take me away" "you are not worth the wait" You are like a infection that wont go away. (i really like this line) The reason that you Wont go away is because you don’t have enough dignity to. (again i dont really understand this) These are just suggestions, you dont have to listen to any of it if you dont want to, its your poem and if you like it the way it is then dont listen to me at all, just wanted to see if i could help any. ~Life Ain't Always Beautiful~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Brittany, I feel honored your crittiquing style is very similar to mine. Good crittique, by the way. I would probaly say the same thing as brittany. This poem needs alot of work. Punctuation, spelling, grammar, figuring out what you really meant to say. All that. Also alot of it didn't make sense and it seems that this is a vent. Thats fine. But if you know ahead of time and can tell , that goes to everyone, mentioning it would be helpful, so people don't go through alot of trouble to crittique it, if it is just a vent, but if you really plan to make it better, tell us that also. Good subject, but this particular poem needs work. WElcome to PIp.!!Keep writing. |
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Hey girl! Don't let any of your (errors) get you down!! (I kinda like it the way it is) I usually like making mistakes to see if people will notice. I enjoyed reading your poem. I really hope to see more of your writing and I know that you will come up with lots more fantastic writes! Please keep writing!!! Hugs and Hershey bars! |
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penguingirl New Member
since 2006-09-28
Posts 6 |
i had some many thing mixed up and all my ideas get mixed up so thank you for telling me |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi PenguinGirl, I agree with everything said above me^^ Cause it was a little bit confusing with all the errors. I think you have a great poem that could be an awesome poem if you fix all the little knick knacks... Thanks for sharing!  "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
You. You are definitely aren’t prince that would come i wasn't to sure i uderstood this right i think there is an grammer error in this line idk though... nice post hope to read more soon... hunnie* A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
i also see the faults but it is still a good poem. i dont know if you write poems down befor you post them but sometimes that helps... write them down when you think about them in your head then a few days later check it and make revisions this helped me although i dont do it anymore ha ha too busy w/ classes but it will make your poetry more understandable. thanks for sharing -lAuRa |
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