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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

0 posted 2007-11-04 09:29 PM

Please don’t let me go

Please don’t let me go
Even if you think the fight is over
I want you standing by my side
Until the world has ripped our four leaf clover

Please fight against the tide
That is breaking up our ending
I’m trying so hard to fight it out
But everything is pending

Will you truly hand me over
To some other outstretched hand
What if I want you to fight
To be more of a natural man

Would you do what I asked
Or comply with your human thoughts
On the subject of my own good
To insure my future lots

Don’t leave me alone
I fear myself at times
And it’s dark and lonely
An ending for my carefully worded lines

Please don’t let me go
Don’t release me to a man
Who you think is better than
The man you understand
As you

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2007-11-05 03:24 PM

hmmm....there is quite a bit of forced rhyming here. its ok, it just kinda distracts a bit. avoid using "my own", it is redundant to use both pronouns, also the second stanza had the beginnings of a fantastic idea. The whole tide breaking idea was great...until you put that is was breaking your ending. it just didnt make sense, I know what you were trying to say, but it got lost. Save that idea though. It's quite fantastic. In fact, I forget all distractions in the rest of this and just keep thinking about that idea. well done.

Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

2 posted 2007-11-05 06:08 PM

yes, i agree with young blood. a bit of forced rhyming but overall good job. good conecpt as welll, but try to go deeper.

-Andrew

Elias Nevermore
Member

since 2007-11-03

Posts 152

3 posted 2007-11-05 06:09 PM

if you didnt catch the hint this is my new screen name. I used to be called nevermore93.

-Andrew( or Elias)

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

4 posted 2007-11-05 06:35 PM

oh no, no i didn't. lol. love it. i prefer andrew i think.

-Kate

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

5 posted 2007-11-05 09:33 PM

and for your constructive comments, thanks, it's been a while since i've had some really critisim. (ps, sorry i can't spell to save my life) so thanks, and i know it's not my best work, i just could figure out how to make it flow and well, it turmed into something that's half water and half wine.

-Kate

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

6 posted 2007-11-12 10:07 PM

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND

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