my how things change (extended version)

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Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2007-09-15 11:05 PM

subtley, the atmosphere changed
like the look on your face
as you give up all hope
you lose all grace

take it off, throw it away
this distress is just constant dismay
that leads to the same old things
that we both said we would never try

my how things change

broken bottles, broken glass
broken dreams, broken laughs
we both failed
just do the math

you know i tryed so hard
i really did
to give you everything

i gave it all up, i gave it away
just to see you smile for one day
just pretend like your just fine
just pretend that your just okay

[This message has been edited by Clockwork_Orange (09-17-2007 09:51 PM).]

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

1 posted 2007-09-17 12:44 PM

broken bottles, broken glass
broken dreams, broken laughs~
Wow you never cease to amaze me with yuor strong words. I am in awe of your poems how do you do it CO.
Krysti

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

2 posted 2007-09-17 01:44 AM

It seemed to end to soon like I hadn't quite finished reading it or something either way I really liked it.

Neat stuff.

-Ash-

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2007-09-25 01:19 AM

Hi Clockwork_Orange,

I agree with Match on this ending to soon, perhaps another stanza or two would help?

The first few lines had to be my favorite in the whole poem, "Subtly, the atmosphere changed, like the look on your face, as you give up all hope, you lose all grace", very nicely put.

I do have a suggestion though, I noticed there are a few words in the poem that are not vital to the poems survival. My suggestion would be to take out anything that isn't needed to get the point across. For instance, the last two lines, "just pretend that your just fine, just pretend that your just okay", I would take out the words "just" and "that" to read, "pretend your fine, pretend your okay", but that's just my opinion. For me it says the same thing with less added baggage that I don't find vital when I read something.

I have enjoyed reading some of your work again, thanks for sharing!

Stargal

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

4 posted 2007-10-01 06:42 PM

i miss seeing your words, they inspire. Sometimes i wish life were easier, but them we wouldn't have such great works. oh that does put a damper on my wish for utopia now doesn't it? lol. loved this piece.

-Kate

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

5 posted 2007-10-01 11:36 PM

I love this. it almost reminds me of something I would have wrote when I first started writing. I love the last two lines of the first stanza, and i also love the part about broken dreams and broken laughs. you have a way with words

I do have to agree though that I wish it would not have ended so soon, if you ever decide to add more to it that would be great. keep us posted.

great job!

-heather

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

6 posted 2007-10-02 06:14 PM

i just realized that everyone think's it's too short- yet this is the extended version! lol.

-Kate

"I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow

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