The same day the towers fell

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rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2006-09-04 04:16 AM

The same day the twin towers fell
was when we entered a living hell
two great towers collapsed to ash
planes flew in, hijacked only to crash

rings of smoke color the sky
not one face that day was dry
the same day that those four planes flew
was when god beat us black and blue

left us empty, playing our life
got beat, he dealt us out such strife
when those towers came down
I swear it shook the ground

bloodied cuts, bad degree burns
luck thwarted us, at each turn
when survivors were brought out, a relative sighed in relief
who ever it wasn't, someone began to wail out their grief

the same day, the same time
Al Qaeda, crossed over the line
watching on TV, victory is what it shouldn't mean
who are they to talk, when their women can't be seen

The same day that those towers fell
across the country, churches rang bells
despite that attack we remained strong
our country still rang with freedom's song.

Shaddow1
Junior Member

since 2006-09-04

Posts 41
Kingman Az, USA

1 posted 2006-09-04 02:58 PM

Very good poem. It showed a lot of passion for our country. It flowed pretty smoothly too but I think you shoudl re write l26

L25 The same day that those towers fell
L26 across the country, churches rang bells

so it reads

L25 The same day that those towers fell
L26 across the country, range every church bell

It id a little longer but it will flow a little better whn you read it. It is only a suggestion though. :P Very good poem altogether though.

Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-09-04 03:57 PM

Hi rhia,

Once again I’m going to attempt commenting on your work, no offence ahead of time if anything I say offends you

Okay, first off it’s a wonderful subject to be writing on, a great reminder of that day but I’d have to say in this particular poem you seemed to repeat yourself a lot. Take the first stanza, please, “the same day the twin towers fell, was when we entered a living hell, two great towers collapsed to ash, planes flew in, hijacked only to crash”, I loved this stanza; don’t get me wrong. It is just that in L1 and L2 you basically said the exact same thing. For me I don’t really care for repetitive stuff if it is so close together, no offence.

I loved the flow in this poem; I liked how you kind of just said one word and the next one rolled off your tongue, it was a wonderfully done.

The ending stanza would have to be my all time favorite though; and what the person above suggested I kind of agree with^^ I liked how the poem ended in such a strong way though.

Excellent job and thanks for sharing

"I pray thee, O God, that I
may be beautiful within."
–Socrates
@-->---

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

3 posted 2006-09-04 07:06 PM

Wow, excellent write. I agree with stargal, it is a great reminder of what happened that day. You've done a nice job writing it, keep it up.

~Alli~

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-09-21 12:43 PM

wow that was one of my favorites from you that flowed well and it seemed like it just rolled out of your mind and you didn't have to sit and ponder a line it was amazing a great poem to remind us of that day.... my sisters boyfriend has a sept 11 birthday that would suck:P... good write i'll be looking for more by you...
hunnie*

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

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