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wwzwlmd8
Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 96
San Diego,CA

0 posted 2006-09-24 05:45 PM

I feel alone, so alone I feel like existence is slipping away.
So alone I don't want to go to school,
I live a life I wished I never had,
But my life is what it is and I have to stick with it.
A Mom who is so sad,
a sister who make's everything worst for us,
a father who' never around,
and me I'm a person who try's to keep this family together this is me life, and only mine.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-09-25 03:08 PM

So much better with grammar and spelling thank you so much. My life, not me life thought just thought to mention.

I don't know, it doesn't seem to tell that it is Alone like the title. Its Ok. Try making it longer, maybe.

Question: People have given you alot of crittique recently, you don't seem to mind, Is it Ok to crittique your poems?

Otherwise I feel it is a disservice to you not to crittique if I take time to read it, its all fine and well if it is amazing with nothing that can be better , but no one writes all of their poems like that. Well, no one I know of.
For some poems I am going to want to give you advice, and it will kill you if I can't and am still reading your poetry. So can I crittique or NO?
I will still read your poetry even if you say know, but could you just tell me whether I can or not.

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

2 posted 2006-09-25 06:04 PM

when you know the Lord- you never feel lonely
: )

Sarka
Junior Member

since 2006-09-21

Posts 23
Canada

3 posted 2006-09-25 08:00 PM

This can be a very sad situation but to me, I see it as you being the pillar of the family.

Sarka

~If we didn't have any bad days, we wouldn't appreciate the good ones~

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

4 posted 2006-09-26 01:10 AM

i liked this piece it was easy to read(good format) it was really deep and ful of emotion i liked it

hunnie*

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

Kira Aso
Member

since 2006-09-26

Posts 351
Closer to Hell...

5 posted 2006-09-26 12:38 PM

I totally relate to this! Family is a hard thing to keep together. I'm a bit new here but I hope to see more of your work soon!

Brittany
Junior Member

since 2006-09-26

Posts 32
Canada

6 posted 2006-09-26 04:37 PM

I liked the poem, I can relate to what you're feeling. I think if the grammer was a little better it would make the poem a lot nicer to read, I understood what you meant, but sometimes I had to read a line a few times, becuase it didn't sound quite right. Overall i think it's really good!

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