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Open Poetry #44
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Sugar
| Open Poetry #44 |
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Sugar |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams 
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Sugar Our love was like the snow: The cold air numbed our chests Until our frozen hearts Could no longer beat on Spring came and we melted We made sugar in fields And evaporated Juju -Juju -"So you found a girl Who thinks really deep thoughts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos |
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| © Copyright 2009 Juju - All Rights Reserved | |||
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exhale Senior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 646Alberta,Canada |
"Spring came and we melted" Love this! You know, I was being a creeper a going through a lot of your old poems and it's just amazing the growth all of us have gone through. You were amazing then, you're amazing now, and you will continue to be that way. Never change, or I guess, continue to change  Chelsea |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
This is as light as vanilla, it evaporates on the tongue and leaves a flavor behind. Very nicely done. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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critical mass Member
since 2009-03-25
Posts 275Michigan |
We made sugar in fields And evaporated What a great line. |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
. Juju, An Idea: "We made sugar in fields And disappeared" John . |
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Namyh Senior Member
since 2009-01-20
Posts 988 |
JuJu - If only all of our evaporations could be as sweet. What a melting it would be. I liked this indeed JuJu. Namyh |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
this is wicked good Juju  |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo dear Juju, Is it Maple sugar time? Good poem about that season. Love Bobby |
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unboundpoetess Member
since 2008-05-24
Posts 477 |
Deliciously spun. Heather |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Jon, If I changed it like that it would make the flow better, but would change the meaning. I will look for a better line there that flows better. Juju -Juju |
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Boshii2 Member
since 2009-02-01
Posts 146 |
dissolved. sweet kind regards Boshii2 |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Juju, You're right about it changing the meaning. John may be making a point about the nature of poetry, though. If he isn't, I will, though it isn't be a point that everybody is interested in, or will want to make use of all the time, even if they do find it interesting. It's possible that we learn things in the process of writing our poems. If we already knew these things when we started, we're making the possibility of achieving joy through the writing process much more difficult, because we've made the chance of surprising ourselves much smaller. It's hard to surprise yourself or anybody else by repeating things you already know; it's more likely you'll simply reassure them, or sooth them or bore them. Surprise and delight, however, become distant possibilities. In order to stay open to surprise and delight, we need to let the poem take us places we didn't thing it would take us. That's why John's suggestion is one worth considering. You are more likely to find surprise and delight in following John's suggestion, and seeing where that might take you, than in insisting that the poem has to go to the place you planned it to go. If you follow John's suggestion, then you must fall back on you playfulness and invention to deal with the curve that John has thrown into your plans. If you like nothing you've written in response to John's suggestion, you've lost nothing. You can go back to your original draft. If you do like something, you can incorporate it. You may even have surprised yourself and your reader by a turn of invention or language you might not have attempted otherwise. I hope there's something useful in this for you. I did enjoy the poem, but I thought that an indulgence of that bit of wildness might be a useful thing. You might have tried it already and revised it out; I couldn't know. But I think some more indulgence might be a fun thing to experiment with, even if nobody knows but you. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Juju, You're right about it changing the meaning. John may be making a point about the nature of poetry, though. If he isn't, I will, though it isn't be a point that everybody is interested in, or will want to make use of all the time, even if they do find it interesting. It's possible that we learn things in the process of writing our poems. If we already knew these things when we started, we're making the possibility of achieving joy through the writing process much more difficult, because we've made the chance of surprising ourselves much smaller. It's hard to surprise yourself or anybody else by repeating things you already know; it's more likely you'll simply reassure them, or sooth them or bore them. Surprise and delight, however, become distant possibilities. In order to stay open to surprise and delight, we need to let the poem take us places we didn't thing it would take us. That's why John's suggestion is one worth considering. You are more likely to find surprise and delight in following John's suggestion, and seeing where that might take you, than in insisting that the poem has to go to the place you planned it to go. If you follow John's suggestion, then you must fall back on you playfulness and invention to deal with the curve that John has thrown into your plans. If you like nothing you've written in response to John's suggestion, you've lost nothing. You can go back to your original draft. If you do like something, you can incorporate it. You may even have surprised yourself and your reader by a turn of invention or language you might not have attempted otherwise. I hope there's something useful in this for you. I did enjoy the poem, but I thought that an indulgence of that bit of wildness might be a useful thing. You might have tried it already and revised it out; I couldn't know. But I think some more indulgence might be a fun thing to experiment with, even if nobody knows but you. I was, by the way, quite fond of your ending. I thought the evaporation was exactly the right touch, and very well done. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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Osprey Member
since 2009-04-12
Posts 249 |
Some positivity from a failed relationship? Succinct yet, as such a poem, enough. |
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