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Open Poetry #44
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She Whispered in Your Ear
| Open Poetry #44 |
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She Whispered in Your Ear |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams 
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She Whispered in Your Ear The weight of the past Anchored my composure Into a symphony Of the breached emotions Exposed upon my face Thoughts circled in my mind Until panic set in -Her gazed fixed upon me- I promised myself then I'd do everything To make this the last time You will ever see me I too can disappear Away within the wind's Cackles and hollow moans -Juju -Juju -"So you found a girl Who thinks really deep thoughts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos [This message has been edited by Juju (03-25-2009 12:28 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2009 Juju - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Sad. Bobby |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
"I promised myself then I'd do everything To make this the last time You will ever see me I too can disappear" this isn't sad to me, it's strong and I like it very much!!  |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I too can disappear And sometimes, that's the only option besides breaking... Wonderful write! |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
this is very good i like it lots !!! |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
. Very good Juju John . |
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unboundpoetess Member
since 2008-05-24
Posts 477 |
Love this Juju. Heather [This message has been edited by unboundpoetess (03-25-2009 05:56 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Still admiring your work, lovie. Consider my membership in your fan club officially renewed.  |
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
Stand tall Juju. It's a healthy thing to do. -P Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
"I too can disappear."...a pleasure to read...James |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
That's strong writing Juju. Perhaps a slightly weaker point is S2: "Thoughts circled in my mind Until panic set in" The language doesn't live up to the originality of the rest, but most of all that strophe seems redundant - i.e. you can remove it without affecting the remainder of the poem. But overall, I thought that the piece grew as it proceeded, and I enjoyed the closing lines especially. Many thanks. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Well, don't go too far. Nicely done with a unique perspective. Eric |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Moonbeam, If you have ever been in a true panic... you don't think. You freeze. Juju -Juju |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Ju? Some people just blow the stuffing out stuff when they freeze. (*wince* I've got a little adrenaline problem)  Still good stuff, no matter which way y'go. |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Yeah, the adrenalin thing is better, cause your not waiting for something to snap yopu out of it. Though I have to say that the one sentence was awkward, I didn't have an issue with it other than that. I was just retelling an event in my life. -Juju |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I totally agree Juju. But I wasn't commenting on the accuracy of what you were trying to depict, but firstly on whether it was really necessary to say it, and mainly the way you said it. But like I mentioned, it was a small point. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I too can disappear Away within the wind's Cackles and hollow moans ~*~ Beautiful! |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
always enjoyable to read and so realistic. yann |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Juju - you write your feelings well, and transmit them to the reader, well done... BC |
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