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Tomer
Senior Member

since 2002-06-28

Posts 1168
Michigan

0 posted 2009-03-21 10:15 PM

He stood with his red hands.
His shoes and socks dripped like a woman's red blouse.
his fingers crawled into his pockets
Shaking. Flailing.

His hair was moist.
Struggling. The same way his stomach growled.

He leaned down to the curb of the sidewalk.
The shattered glass pieced
Next to his wounded friend.

His wounded head.
Blood like the river.
And he shook his eye lashes
Hoping his friend would follow.

Hoping the glass would swallow
Into the pavement.

The loaf of bread that they had stolen
Clenched into his arms
Like the icey stare of his fallen friend

He sat next to him
With the loaf of bread
Sitting between them

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2009-03-22 02:58 PM

Tremendously sad, sounds like a very desperate situation. Bread is stolen only where hunger really exists. And death seems such a terrible consequence.

Very impressive.

Love,
Margherita

Tomer
Senior Member

since 2002-06-28

Posts 1168
Michigan

2 posted 2009-03-25 12:41 PM

Appreciate the response Margh...yes, sometimes the simplest things are taken for granted. Take care.

Tomer

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

3 posted 2009-03-25 04:56 PM

A couple suggestions:

"He stood with his red hands.
His shoes and socks dripped like a woman's red blouse."

This doesn't come across quite right, even though I know what you're trying to say, because a blouse doesn't drip.

"Hoping the glass would swallow
Into the pavement."

One doesn't swallow 'into' something. Swallow up the pavement or just swallow the pavement would probably work better.

Also, it's spelled 'icy'

This is a solid start though, and it's definitely a good read.

Tomer
Senior Member

since 2002-06-28

Posts 1168
Michigan

4 posted 2009-03-25 09:12 PM

eminor, appreciate the suggestions but thats my style. It's unorthodox and it prob. won't change. Take care.

Tomer

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

5 posted 2009-03-25 11:52 PM

you've painted stark, sad images here...

really touches...

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