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Fizzle
Junior Member

since 2009-03-21

Posts 38

0 posted 2009-03-21 06:38 PM

A field of never-blooming flowers
A wide expanse of ever-freezing seas
A city filled with fallen towers
A world where naught's at ease

A hearth where nothing burns
A house where there's no breath
A bell that's never rung
A room that smells of death

A tree drowned in sand
A rock ground to dust
A dry, arid land
A sword dead with rust

[This message has been edited by Fizzle (03-21-2009 10:04 PM).]

TheAnonDavid
Member

since 2008-08-28

Posts 237
UK

1 posted 2009-03-21 07:51 PM

You provide a string of good images here but the poem needs something to bring them all together - a final verse, maybe. I like the poem as far as it goes; I just wanted it to go further

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

http://stores.lulu.com/davidmm

Fizzle
Junior Member

since 2009-03-21

Posts 38

2 posted 2009-03-21 07:53 PM

Leaves the reader hanging. Gotcha.

When I wrote it, I was doing just that, stringing images together.

Thanks for the input. I'll be revising it soon.

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

3 posted 2009-03-22 02:21 PM

Welcome to Pip!

The feeling of desolation is strongly conveyed in your first post.

Love,
Margherita

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

4 posted 2009-03-22 02:31 PM

WELCOME TO PIP

ARCTIC WIND

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

5 posted 2009-03-22 03:51 PM

Hello, and welcome!
Sometimes strings of images are enough to trigger the reader to fill in the blanks, without declaring 'author's intent' or any answer. For me, the starkness of the bare imagery stood allright on its own, and allowed me to draw my own conclusions.

Marchmadness
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 9271
So. El Monte, California

6 posted 2009-03-22 03:58 PM

I agree with Kacy. I think this was able to stand on it's own. Welcome to PIP, Fizzle.
Ida

Fizzle
Junior Member

since 2009-03-21

Posts 38

7 posted 2009-03-22 04:02 PM

Thanks for the input and the welcomes, Pips* :P

The poem was written as a string of images and that's all it was meant to be. Still, it does seem like it's about to go on. I think I'll leave this one as it is and perhaps write a new version or something later.

*Pips-peeps.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart