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Allogenes
Junior Member

since 2008-01-16

Posts 35

0 posted 2009-03-13 08:20 PM

    When I at times do tread this barren earth
Of drowsy lads and men who dare not Take -
    A distant cawing trumps my novel birth
And shouting loud: "Awake, awake, awake!
    Impart the Truth and taste of rousing mirth -
    Declared the estimate of human worth -
    You'll either end a god of Eden's tree,
Or exit life upon the faithful's stake."

    I must escape this dreadful place, you see?
Outside the barred windows I spy a heap
    Of sprawling vistas to a beck'ning lea
Enticing dreamers from eternal sleep;
    And o'er the daring heights, a lonesome way,
    The first and grievous blush - incipient day -
    Excites the heart and mind with heady flight
And rattles Matter from its corporal keep

    We angels fell from God's enduring light,
Imprisoned within earthly chains we grope
    And shuffle through the Spirit's hoary night,
A wreck of Man embodying sparks of hope -
    A once high soaring gull bereaved of flight,
    We mourn the loss of our accustomed right
    And bat our wings against the prison wall -
Awaiting mystic love to fast elope

    And still I hear the blackbird's grizzled call
That stings the soul for man's enlivened sake;
    "Be as ye were before the Artist's fall
    When love and liberty were moral law
Be as ye were -- awake, awake, awake!
Survey the mysteries, give and hap'ply take
    That warm and fruitful knowledge, peerless joy;
Entrench the shrine of shrines - and flee the dull."

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2009-03-13 10:52 PM

"Be blunt."

I liked it--but I had to look past some forced rhymes--which I didn't understand why that effort was made, because, and I only read by ear, not by scansion, it just didn't fit.

"happily" would have worked just as well as "hap'ply to my drumming fingers.

And I love me a slant rhyme, but in this case, I felt like you were trying too hard for formality to allow that certain ease of recital.

I love the way you think--and you do venture to a place I'd love to master.

Where form and today's language meet?

Nod. I love that place.

I confess I'm not sure if you're a new member or not, but I'm sure I have neglected to welcome you.

So? Welcome!

Allogenes
Junior Member

since 2008-01-16

Posts 35

2 posted 2009-03-14 03:43 AM

serenity blaze - Thanks for the read and comment.

I'll certainly be revising this one soon, and I'll see what comes of it. I think this version reveals some slight potential, but it needs a lot of work, polishing, and - likely - a complete reworking of the first stanza.

Yes, that union of 'form' with 'today's language' may well the be the spark that rekindles the holy light of poetry in the modern world.

And thanks for the welcome.

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