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Open Poetry #44
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walking home at dawn (meant for critique)
| Open Poetry #44 |
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walking home at dawn (meant for critique) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Lesser morns than this I've seen beyond the teal of sun meets blue I walked the streets--exhaled your eyes-- the last of warmth I felt for you. I was the one you saw downcast walking in the shadows past determined I might beat the sun and creep to crypt before undone by the stare of fiery greet before the pavement burnt my feet I was the shadow dancing pattern-- as if my presence ever mattered. Darting every ray's duress as if light were a stone, but pressed another burden on my chest another rock in my caress... Another being in the stone that begs for chisel to be honed. (Sometimes I wish to be alone, and then, I find? I am...) I need to find a curl of root. A pillow be fine ferns of shoot. And please? A breeze wash over me, a blanket of war's sweet surcease... A gentle hand crafted of wind, the peace of knowing life as friend. I wish that we could dance and clap amid the sparks avoiding traps I wish, I wish, I wish too much... and wishing is not quite enough. * * * Did I miss somethin'? I tried to post this in C/A and was not allowed.  |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo dear Serenity blaze, Your poem was allowed here, which is fine. What's C/A? Love Bobby |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
C/A is critical analysis. And I see I also forgot to turn my critique flag on--'cause I always said I don't see why critique can't be done in open--but anyhow--I tried to put this in that other forum, but was told I'm not an authorized user. Hmmm...an authorized user. Sounds like I need a prescription, huh? *chuckle* Let me go see about that flag, Bobby. Sheesh and thanks. btw? There's all sorts of probs with this'n. So feel free to tear it up. I've issued the "formal" invitation.  |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo dear Serenity blaze, I only found two possible corrections in the last strophe. I need to find a curl of root. A pillow be [is] fine ferns of shoot. And please? A breeze wash [washes] over me, a blanket of war's sweet surcease... A [a] gentle hand crafted of wind, the peace of knowing life as friend. I wish that we could dance and clap amid the sparks avoiding traps I wish, I wish, I wish too much... and wishing is not quite enough. Love Bobby |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nodding here. The punctuation, particularly, is a total disaster and yep, I tend to write the way I speak, and that means I be typing a lot of noun/verb disagreements. But thanks, much. I'm having trouble working on my little collection, and this one is sooooooo rhymey dimey that it gives me a case of the shivers--but I like the story behind it. (You'll have to buy the book to hear that.) Thank you Bobby.  And it might be refreshing to some to know that I actually work my own nerves.  And yep, I already know to lose most of the ellipses, if not all of 'em.  |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
quote: Dear Karen, this is an incredibly well written piece of poetry. And I do like the title! Awakening time for the spirit! Love, Margherita |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
And please? A breeze wash over me, a blanket of war's sweet surcease... A gentle hand crafted of wind, the peace of knowing life as friend. K, I think CA's shut down... no new posts. see Ron's post on this thread /pip/Forum28/HTML/002434-2.html: Nevermind... even the link doesn't work. But the thread is titled "For Brad" in CA2. CA is no more, except as an archive. I like this very much... especially the lines above... would that morning could bring this to us all!! [This message has been edited by suthern (03-15-2009 04:44 PM).] |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
"I need to find a curl of root. A pillow be fine ferns of shoot. And please? A breeze" my fav part lovely |
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
I'm a lousy critic . . . Having trouble with "-exhaled your eyes-" and not sure where this comes from "Another being in the stone" Elsewise, whatever you intended, a melodic vampire piece.  |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Dearest Karen, First, I'm glad there is no mirror at my desk as I'm sure I have the appearance of green. I could only wish to write like that. And I have only one gentle and very unqualified observation. It is in the last line. I would wish that "not" was "never". And if it requires more it only affirms my lack of qualifications to critique.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I like this. My niggles? I think you got a little caught between using rhyme to create a structure and a “tune” and actually saying what you really wanted to say. Using rhyme is a double edged sword, it’s great at creating structure but it doesn’t take much for it to become constricting. You know what I mean - it’s the “rhymey dimey” feeling you mentioned. I really liked the statue or unfound sculpture in the stone image I got from this: Darting every ray's duress as if light were a stone, but pressed another burden on my chest another rock in my caress... Another being in the stone that begs for chisel to be honed. I’d like to see that theme covertly expanded throughout the poem, it’d help to tie the three parts together a little more, but that’s probably me trying to impose how I write on what you’ve written. Which is never a good idea. [This message has been edited by Grinch (03-15-2009 08:45 AM).] |
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TheAnonDavid Member
since 2008-08-28
Posts 237UK |
Overall, I like this poem. Once you start to use rhyme you have entered into a poetic covenant. It means that you have to pay attention to format like never before. Too often we read rhyming pieces where the rhyme is forced which in turn distracts from the poem or, at worst, produces rhyme-driven nonsense. You have not fallen into this trap and, bar a few nits, the meter/cadence/rhythm of the poem holds up well. The major bug is the punctuation. Many modern poets ignore punctation completely. I don't like the trend personally, but, if pushed, I would say that no punctuation is matginally preferable to faulty punctuation; at least you know where you are. Generally the poem is of a high standard but, as you acknowledge, needs a little polish. I am sure that you will succeed in that. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
When I'm more awake, maybe tomorrow, I promise to come and munch. There is a lot to munch on here too. Meantime I'll just keep it bubbling near the surface. Later M |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks, guys and gals. And nodding, I was just browsing through the archives and thought this one might have some salvage-worthy thought in it... and yep, I know using punctuation properly is harder, but I would rather give that a go than not. I am really sorry to see the Critical Analysis forum go, too. (and dang, Grinch, why'd you edit?) I really hate when that happens. *frown* Thanks again, very kindly. And I'm around, just less so this week. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Good grief. I did not know what was going on in C/A until I tried to post this...there. criminy What an awful ending to a fun forum...sigh |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Yes Karen It was very sad about CA but not unexpected. Remember this: /pip/Forum6/HTML/001422-4.html#81 It didn't happen. And eventually and inevitably the overwhelming tendency from certain quarters (or should I say quarter) in CA towards "playfully mocking" the critiquing efforts of others drove all serious discussion from the board. I don't blame Ron for deciding to close it, it had become an embarrassment and, although I thought I would never say it, Open and Teen have become a more productive place to be. Anyway, to your poem. You seem suddenly to be metrically compelled. Deliberately or not, you've produced a pretty consistent iambic/trochaic stress pattern, which I think works very well in this semi-formal lyrical setting. What a lovely poem Karen. Gentle in tone and cadence while not slipping (as so many poems like this seem to) into sentimentality and the mushy marshmallow mire of cliche. Well not quite slipping. There were few near misses imo, where it sounded like you were straining for poeticness (!). "Morn" in the very first line for instance is a bit too Shelley for my taste, you're calling up the Romantic spirits to aid you, and you really don't need to, you are quite good enough without them. "Dawns" would have been better I think. L2 however is stunning, and L3 - L4 contain enough Karen surrealistic imagery to maintain interest in what is a beautifully symmetrical stanza. Everything trips along gaily in S2 too, the rhyming/slant rhyming couplets aren't too intrusive, and all is going well until the excruciating use of the verb "greet" as a noun which is teeth jarringly horrible. And the adjective "fiery" doesn't exactly help either. I loved the consonance of "pattern" and "mattered", and the idea of light as a stone was just great. The last line of S2 just sounded a bit clunky, as if you were trying too hard to maintain meter and get "honed" in the right place. The idea is good again though. S3 - what the devil is all that about? S4 Some great bits, some not so. L1 - L4 very nice, although weird syntax in L2. L5 - humm, "sweet surcease" is sooo "Marge" (bless her), and far too poetical for this piece imv. (I happen to be wildly prejudice against the word "surcease" so you might like to ignore me). On goes the stanza through another three gentle lines until L9 of the stanza which smacks of being forced: where have the sparks come from? And "traps" is well worthy of a beginner forced rhyme, tut tut. In contrast the close was, well just sooo simple, yet so very beautiful. M |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: I was doodling with this poem last night and oddly enough that’s the first thing I changed - morns to dawns. Which either means that Moon is as useless at this poetry lark as I am or the change is a good idea -depending on your point of view. BTW the edit was a minor change - I added “or unfound sculpture”. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Joined at the hip Grinch  I love that cliche "the crack of dawn" - so evocative. Heh. |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
beyond the teal of sun meets blue I walked the streets--exhaled your eyes-- the last of warmth I felt for you.........." I do not know why Critical Analysis wouldn't allow this on the forum. Leaves me with many quesstions. But I don't think this needs anymore! ~ This is a beautiful poem Karen, I loved it and I am saving it, to one of many Gems in my treasure chest of poetic gems. I actually just finished having a wonderful dinner made for today, I love this day very much.... Happy St.Patrick's Day!  ARCTIC WIND |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
*chuckle* I happen to know Dawn, and she doesn't think her crack is a source of amusement. But anyhow...I appreciate very much for the input--but what I need to know now is where did I go "right"? (This was one from the archives...so I was not (as far as I can remember) attempting deliberate meter. In fact, I've discovered I tend to write in meter when I write very fast. Weird, but true. (And yes somebody has to inform me that I've done that, too.) Keep a munchin' my good poetfellows and gals. I need to look at this a bit. thank you  |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: I thought I said that! All the bits where I said this is great or lovely. In fact all the bits where I didn't comment negatively. The poem relies heavily for effect on the tone or atmosphere that it creates, and you have succeeded generally in creating the "right" atmosphere. I also think the fairly regular stress pattern contributes to the lyrical quality. So what was S3 for? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: What questions do you have Artic Wind? I am not sure what you mean by Critical Analysis "not allowing" something? I think some people here have entirely the wrong idea about this mysterious arcane science called CRITICAL ANALYSIS. Personally I have always disliked the phrase critical analysis. It smacks of mechanistic dissection and forensic examination according to set rules. It sounds intimidating, and full of importance. All it is really is: "Close reading and honest comment" - CRHC. So when you think of it like that you can see there is no question of CRHC not "allowing" something. Everything is allowed in poetry. All I'm doing is reading Karen's poem very carefully in order to try and tell her what I personally like and dislike about it and why? It's not formulaic or prescribed. Also I think it's partly selfish in that by studying closely what makes poetry work for me I think I see flaws in my own work more quickly. I hope so anyway. Hope that clarifies. M |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: Generally? The whole poem is “right”, it’s just some things are more “right” than others. Or, alternatively I could say that you didn’t get anything completely wrong if that helps, but I’m guessing it doesn’t. Right and wrong are the wrong categories, good and bad are similarly useless, once you put something in one category it’s automatically excluded from the other and most of the time things don’t really fit snugly in either. Take “morns” for instance. Moon picked up on it and so did I but not because it was inherently bad or wrong, we just thought that “Dawns” was better. I think every part of your poem was good, and right, but some parts could be better. Hope that helped |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well, my confusion arises when someone tells me I wrote something in some kind of meter, and um, I wasn't trying. And when I do try, I get it wrong. In other words, I don't have a clue as to what the heck I'm doing. But I wanted to pop in and let you guys know I'll be back to thing about this when time allows. *shrug* It's been one of dem weeks and life sucks. So I think I'm just gonna quit fighting the tide and go buy a boogie board. I'll be back, and I do very much appreciate the effort. And yanno? This was rather a pleasant surprise for me, so hugs and stuff to all of you who contributed. I love you guys (and gals) |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: There’s a very good reasons for that: You see there’s a natural tendency for the English language to be iambic with the odd foray into trochaic so it’s no surprise to find that tendency reflected when you write as you speak. quote: Yep, basically iambic with the odd foray into trochaic and a spondee thrown in every now and again for good measure. I tend to speak that way as well. See, I can’t help myself either. |
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Chalmette Guy Senior Member
since 2009-03-11
Posts 1257Louisiana |
I don't really know all those technical terms Grinch speaks of, and you know me, I am a sucker for rhyme. I'm 'old' school. lol You know I like everything you foray into serenity. I like the rhymeless as well, just can't write that way myself. |
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pyre Member
since 2008-05-16
Posts 136 |
Great poem. I loved it. |
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Dark Star Member
since 2008-02-20
Posts 392Lost in your eyes |
no critique needed |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smile I'm back. (A tall Fed Ex truck drove through some low hanging wires.) It was quite an adventure. But a cop called me "baby" so I guess the inconvenience was worth it? *laughing* OH. I edited to address Moonbeam's question--you're right. I have no idea why stanza 3 is there. I wrote this some time ago, and the problem with writing stream of conscious is that...damn--I already forgot what I was gonna say and why---and there be the problem. (and yes, I actually talk that way, and yes, that be a problem at times. People look at me like I'm odd or somethin'.) But I can definitely lose that, as it hardly even qualifies as a stanza--and I'm wincing at how whiny it sounds on its own. thanks lovie Nod Better to be called "baby" than late for court, eh? Now about that first line--and no, I'm not feeling defensive, it's just that I do actually speak that way--so no, I wasn't aware I was calling upon the Romantics for that--maybe I should cut back on the Lucky Charms though. Some times I just sit here and stare at my poetry. Other times I just glare at it. And in this case, I think that the thing that unsettles me about this one is that it is lacking a certain cohesive quality. Hardly surprising, since I do indeed write the way I speak. But hey--the cop called me "baby". *chuckles and chortles" and shrugs a kid called me a hag two days ago, too, so trust that I'm attempting to keep the balance. *exhale* I'll let ya'll know--I am indeed much too wordy, so maybe I should take my hammer and chisel to this to see what it wants to be. Lesser morns than this, she wrote. *grin* Ya'll are fantastic. Thank you. |
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