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Open Poetry #44
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What I saw
| Open Poetry #44 |
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What I saw |
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olijay Junior Member
since 2009-03-01
Posts 14San Francisco! |
So I just started trying to write poetry and only learned the words "meter" and "iambalic" and things like that this morning, so theres no real rythm to this poem but I still wanted to see what yall thought. Saw a man sell the shoes off his feet Trying to get to the place where the earth and heaven meet Trying so hard to hear an angel speak A Liar and a cheat trying to fly off the street On his kid icarus run he shoots for the sun But his wings catch fire in the heat. Darkness so deep he falls a thousand feet he wont ever admit defeat looking for a beauty so deep his heart skips a beat a beauty so deep it makes you complete a beauty so sweet it makes angels weeps A flower so sweet gods own roses cant compete Hes Skating in a figure eight Looking for someone to call soul mate Asking Love and hate to be his prom dates “Go fish no fate” He didn’t start the fire but he did stand in the flame hes not too blame, its the nature of the game but all the same he can still taste the shame when they said “welcome to the gutter” he did not stutter “the gutters like my bread and butter” he said “welcome to today” “hope you know how to pray” “every man here will betray”” “a buffet of moral decay” “but , this is the price you agreed to pay” hes the last rung on the ladder the young killer they hung so Don’t bite your tongue When you sing the saddest song ever sung And it’s a song about you. |
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| © Copyright 2009 olijay - All Rights Reserved | |||
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hello olijay, Welcome to PIP. Because I got a chuckle out of the exclamation at the end of your location, may I call you sisko?  First let me say that there are parts of this I like. Like this: When you sing the saddest song ever sung And it’s a song about you sisko, I like the subtlety you use to enter this web site. This shows depth and inteligence. Keep trying, you may be a good writer. |
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olijay Junior Member
since 2009-03-01
Posts 14San Francisco! |
Thanks, I appreciate what you said. Ya, i started writing poetry a few weeks ago and found it be almost addictive, I had never read any poetry though, so i decided i wanted to get serious and learn what I could learn, what better place to learn then the internet! (at least for my generation) and man was i overwhelmed when I saw how much there is to know about poetry, i mean to stick to those meter'd forms, to count out sylables and determine which sylables are have the accentuated stress, thats going to be quite a challenge to get down. But im hoping with enough practice my brain will just naturally know the syables of words and where there stress in them is. All the poems ive written so far, even if they do have end-rhymes they all just go A A A A, which is boring right? not too mention I didn't figure to put an even pace in them, but anyways i digress. I can't wait to master some technique so i can portray my ideas in the most effective way they can be potrayed. I appreciate how positive everyone is on this forum! and yes you may call me cisco, or frisco, or the sco for short |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Doing good for just a few weeks ago. Some great lines in this. Sometimes you have to get to know the writer here at Passions to be able to understand their work. Some things may seem incoherent when read but there is a partially hidden meaning to emphasize the point. Me I'm a song writer not a poet, so much of my writing is directly applicable and recognizable to the subject matter. All of these different styles are a real joy to read and absorb. You will learn from the many types and styles of writing here and it will be enjoyable. If you ask for direct help some here are more than willing to share their knowledge. I couldn't draw the meaning of this together but I really enjoyed many of the lines. Happy writing. Eric |
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olijay Junior Member
since 2009-03-01
Posts 14San Francisco! |
yea one great thing about having other poeple read your poetry is that they can tell you if it made sense to them. and what i mean by that is its easy to write a poem and have it make sense to you, because you wrote it, and you know what your thinking, but other people they cant read your mind. so one of my goals is to write poems for the benefit of the reader, as well as my self. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Some poets here I have to read thier work several times before I get the meaning or at least think I get the meaning. However, I really enjoy that because it stimulates one's thinking and provides ideas for improvement in writing or maybe even in life in general. You have the right attitude. Eric |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Hi, welcome aboard the pip ship! That was quite the ride you took us on with your debuting poem! The following stanza sort of pulled it all together for me. "He didn’t start the fire but he did stand in the flame hes not too blame, its the nature of the game but all the same he can still taste the shame" It was so refreshing to read of your budding passion for writing poetry! You are definitely starting out on the right foot with this poem! Giving you a warm, welcoming, pip hug, Earth Angel  |
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