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Open Poetry #44
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Not Drowning But Waving
| Open Poetry #44 |
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Not Drowning But Waving |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Long have I been drifting in deep blue seas With hammerhead sharks nipping at my feet; I struggled to stay afloat and not to drown, But even more, struggled to stay away From mouths of mainstream rivers, where most Men choose to wade. Yet, out of breath, I had To come ashore, though cognizant of what Here laid in store. The devil standing on The beach, his torture instruments laid on A surgery table, ready to proceed With my lobotomy. Surrounded by Unnatural, insurmountable cliffs The rising of the tide tells me my time Is up, and I must choose my course: to struggle And drown aware, or join the brain-dead mass. |
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| © Copyright 2009 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
seems that's about the only choice any more...nice write  |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
SEA, thanks for reading, and have a marvelous day Mark |
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tao power Member
since 2009-02-24
Posts 109 |
This was very good and very dark. Even a little depressing. Your lines packed well timed punches that knocked the wind out of me. The last punch was a knock-out. The only suggestion i would make is this: you could perhaps try to put us there floating alongside you a little more, rather than just tell us about it. Give us more of what we can sense, not just what we can take your word for. I offer the words of Leonard Cohen in contrast to this poem. Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water and he spent a long time watching from his lonely wooden tower and when he knew for certain that only drowning men could see him He said "all men shall be sailors until the sea shall free them" --from the song "Suzanne" by Leonard Cohen |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I think this is excellent. Many wonderful lines but the kicker is at the end.... "The rising of the tide tells me my time Is up, and I must choose my course: to struggle And drown aware, or join the brain-dead mass." Love it. Personally I enjoy the content and context told from the first person angle. I like the open up front vivid images from word of mouth descriptions. Why shouldn't I believe you when you have presented your theme and evidence so well. But then I am a very up front type of guy. (smile) I do love Leonard Cohen all the same. Yet even he doesn't believe Jesus has come yet. A misconception on his part. Ah well, we're all so imperfect that there's a tremendous amount of joy comes from fighting the fact and many many times wininng with our own heart and mind. Step up to the plate and hit a single if you can't seem to hit a home run. You'll feel better for it tomorrow. However, I know you enjoy critiques and all of this should please you. Take care Eric |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Tao Power, thanks for reading and commenting. I agree, I also thought that the piece could appeal more to the reader's senses to involve him/her more deeply. Eric, thanks for reading. This is what came up of a little exercise called "reanimating dead metaphors" like this one, "between the devil and the deep blue sea." One of the nice little tools I have come upon to develop my poetic skills. And yes, I always welcome criticism Mark |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Marc-Andre - somewhat different but well thought out, and powerful when read... BC |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Maybe it's a drowning scene either way? I'd be wanting a third option. |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Bill, thanks for reading. It always feels good to read comments from you. Midnitesun, the process of dying begins at birth Thanks for reading. |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
really liked this write, but about this: "devil standing on The beach" ...methinks he lives on that beach...nicely tied together...powerful message |
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