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tom vs. me
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tom vs. me |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. 
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Okay so most of you have read my poem Love After Death in the Teen Poetry #5 forum. That was written to my boyfriend/best friend Tom. So me and Tom(boyfriend) have our fights. Plenty of them. He doesn't like to argue and usually things get better but lately everything's just been adding up. I mean, for once in your life, let me have my say, hear and believe what I say and accept the fact that I'm not stupid. I think out of anyone that I've been friends with, Tom was the only one I was able to have a really deep conversation with. We have the same views on so many different aspects. Religion. Family. Love. Lifestyles. Depression. Pure Happiness. We are so alike. Maybe that's why he's my longest lasting friendship. Maybe that's why no matter who I date I always still go back to him, not just in the boyfriend stage but as a friend. He's always been there for me. But I realized yesterday that I must have not been there for him. I know he has massive problems. I tell him all the time that if he needs to talk to me then he can. If he chooses not to speak to me about things, I'm not going to push him. Lately I have been pushing him. And maybe it's not the best to push him, because he gets angry when I do it, but he needs to talk to someone. He needs to stop using drugs. He needs to get his life in order. He just doesn't get it. So now he argues to no end and totally asks like I'm incompetent. And I'm not!! He picks fights because he's working all the time so I don't get to see him. WELL it's not my fault he's working!! I know he has to pay for his house but it's not my fault and I shouldn't have to take it. It's the same thing with Dave(my ex-boyfriend/friend). When Dave's father was going to jail, I took all his pain. He would yell and get angry AT ME. It's not my fault that his father's going to jail. I try so hard to convince myself it's not my fault but I get so down. I hate being yelled at. I hate having people hate me. I hate the fact that I only have 2 people who know me inside out and who I completely trust. I just hate it all. I just can't take it anymore. But I guess I'm gonna have to keep on truckin and hope for the best. Well now i feel a little better. Thanks for letting me breathe... *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* |
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Lil_Aussie_Cutie Junior Member
since 2001-04-28
Posts 45Qld, Australia |
Ok, I'm going to try and help here although it may not do anything - but it also may. I'm not gonna storm in here and act asthough I have your life downpat and I can give you THE best advice on this situation. However, I can suggest some advice and whether you want to embrace it or not is purely up to you. I have a friend who's a respected dj and he dj's, has a day job, and sleeps only about 2 hours per night. He used to be addicted to drugs although now he just drinks a bit (not an "alcohol" though). He's a very busy guy and when he wasn't as busy, we used to talk well and get along great -- sorta like you and Tom (I hope I got the name right). Then he started getting very busy with his life and he doesn't have the best past either (incl. flashbacks from his drug days, where he can "fall asleep" with his eyes open, etc.) and he started blocking me out a little, and having a few outburts at me when it wasn't my fault -- again, this sounds familiar to you. I understand that Tom needs to talk to someone, but that he isn't. And you're only trying to be a friend by "pushing" him to talk to you. However, you're right by the fact that "pushing" him, so to speak, isn't helping him too much. You just have to make it known that you're there for him and, when he DOES get spare time, just do something "fun" with him, instead of getting into the deep conversations you normally get into. Just do something light-hearted with him and LAUGH...do you remember the last time you two laughed?? If he's too down to do anything with you, then maybe the only thing you can do is just establish that you're there for him any time he wants to consult you and hopefully he'll come around to his senses after a while when he realises he really DOES need you to talk to. The problem here is, is that I don't know Tom, so I have to give all these different pieces of advice to you depending on his personality. In addition to everything that has already been said, another good "tactic" for you to get him to open up to you, is to start talking about how much you care about him and talking about memories etc. which usually makes them open up. Sometimes when people get angry and seem sort of "tough" on the outside, they're very emotional and distraught on the inside. Sometimes you just have to wait until they come around, sometimes you have to "induce" the conversation by means other than "pushing" (which applies pressure and makes them feel uncomfortable). Also, about Dave (again, I hope I have his name correct) - and Tom as well - having a go at you. Ok, so there's a reason WHY they are...and although you're keeping in mind that they don't really mean it and that there's a reason behind it so "its all ok", don't let it get TOO far ahead of you. For example, I had a friend called Jodi and she was friends with a guy who's sister past away. He started getting very angry at Jodi as they were close and she was the likely target. Jodi consulted me (I'm like the "understanding friend") and I told her not to take it to heart as he was hurt deep inside by his sister's death - which was true. However, I also told her that once it reaches a certain point and he KEEPS doing it, you have to shove all of that aside, and stop being sorry for them as much, and sort of put them in their place - as sometimes they forget that you're their FRIEND. I'm not sure if any of this helped, but I hope it did on some level. Janelle aka miss cutie |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. |
Janelle thank you so much. You've opened my eyes to something that I didn't see. You seem like a great person. I hope to speak with you more. But really...thanks for the advice. *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I'm not judging, but it sounds like yer putting yerself in the hands of people who have immense internal issues, and that's not a good thing. If they aren't stable themselves, i would think it's hard to maintan a stable relationship with another person. |
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Lil_Aussie_Cutie Junior Member
since 2001-04-28
Posts 45Qld, Australia |
Hi there Raven...I felt good about the fact that I helped you out  Hope all goes well for you.Janelle aka miss cutie |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
Seems to me that a male perspective is in order. Usually males and feelings do't mix very well, cept in those of us that have been blessed as in we are different from the norm. Why don't feelings and males mix very well? There are many reasons. Some would say that it is the way we are made. I partly agree with that but I won't go into it for risk of starting another great debate. Others say that it is society and the slow moral decay going on around us. I completely agree with this but it is only part of it. We male have grown up in a society where expression of feelings other than anger or other "male" type emotions is strictly taboo. To express them is to be weak and to be weak is not being a man. And so most males are conditioned to hide their true emotions. A lot of the anger expressed by a male is the frustration of not knowing what to do with those unmanly emotions or the build up of those emotions. One feeling that is also ingrained into us males is that we must do everything ourselves. In light of this when someone pushes a male he gets defensive and at times anger errupts, the anger of hidden or hiding feelings. Anither way of looking at this is that males of today are unbalanced. It takes very little to have it seem that our world is crashing down around us and we will do anything to keep that world standing. Eventually that world will collapse completely and we will have to rebuild it. My advice would be to not push him into talking about it or even attempt to get him to talk about it by steering the convesation. The reason is simple we will see what is happening and "potect" ourselves by "lashing" out in anger. I would also suggest that you back off a little. In other words give him some space for as long as he needs it but not so much that he feels abandoned. I know my advice will be difficult to find the right mix but in the end it is worth it. I wish you the best. The White Wolf If life is just a game, when does it end cause I want to get to what is real. |
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Raven Skye Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112.In a House. |
Thank you white wolf for the male view. Well since I've written this, Tom and I have gotten into another fight because of the fact that he works all the time. So we haven't talked for a week. I guess he's giving me the silence treatment, or he's just been working non-stop. Either one. Well thanks everyone for your advice!! *×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×* |
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